As anyone who has ever been on the internet knows, people on the internet are weird. So when we began posting more than just podcasts about Survivor, we got a lot of odd searches that led people to our site. 

But I’m not here to judge you for the things you’re looking for online. I’m here to help. As a public service, I’ve created this list of some of the more bizarre Survivor-related searches we’ve gotten- and responses/answers to those searches. I hope you’re happy, weirdos.

Let’s start with some of the easy ones:

Is Mike from Survivor a chaivenist?

There have been several Mikes that have been on Survivor, but judging by the timing of this search I’m going to assume it’s referring to Mike Holloway. I’ve never met Mike, so I couldn’t adequately answer this question on my own. Instead, I asked him on Twitter.

Unfortunately, he didn’t respond before I finished writing this post. But if he doesn’t like chai tea, I can only assume he wouldn’t want it delivered intravenously, and thus is not a chaivenist.

 

Emoji, feeling chart of good, fine, bad

The best I can do for you is this chart indicating your feelings towards Rupert. I used it in a pre-season post that compared Dan from Worlds Apart to Rupert. I think this may have been the most accurate part of that entire post.

 

Does Jenn survive bear attack in bckcountry?

If this bear attack occurred in the past, the answer is clearly yes. Jenn is still on Twitter, my go-to source for determining whether someone is alive or not. But if this bear attack is something that occurs in the future, then the answer is just “I hope so!” It would suck if Jenn were killed by an animal, since animals are the only living thing that she likes.

 

Jenn Brown ass

This was the best picture I could find that included both Jenn Brown, Survivor, and an ass.

Hope that was what you were looking for!

 

Is Max Dawson married Survivor?

First of all, that’s truly horrendous grammar. Are you asking Survivor if Max is married? Are you asking if Max is married to Survivor? I couldn’t be sure, so I just asked Max the question exactly the way it was phrased, figuring that would give the most precise answer.

Thanks, internet-searching jerks. Now you reminded me that Max got screwed out of Second Chance. I blame the ungrateful bastards of Survivor Reddit, who went from overwhelming love of Max to predictable internet backlash because he was too popular there.

 

Various searches for Max Dawson naked, nude, uncensored, hanging dong, etc.

Apart from “purple rock” and/or “Survivor podcast”, I think the various requests for naked Max were probably the most popular search terms we had during Worlds Apart. On the one hand, I’m oddly honored that our site must appear very highly in the rankings when one searches for Max naked. On the other, I debated whether or not to include this search term because there actually are pictures of naked Max on the site. Sure, they’re just screencaps of the episode where he goes skinny dipping, but they do exist on our site.

Still, I’d hate to deprive Max’s lustiest fans. So to you, Max creepers, I offer this link to So’s Instagram photo of Max’s uncensored bare ass (and if you clicked on that link and you were shocked, what exactly were you expecting?).

 

John Rocker podcast

This could go several ways, since the search term doesn’t provide much context. The person searching for this could be looking for John Rocker on our podcast, which would only happen under one of the following conditions:

1. I have lost a bet, and one that I was clearly very confident in
2. A large amount of money has been paid to me and Andy with a Rocker interview stipulated in contractually-binding terms
3. Some Make-A-Wish kid had the weirdest wish ever

The other possibility is that this person listened to me on the podcast, heard my name is John, and assumed I was John Rocker. To which I say, in my best John Rocker impression: Fuck you (but not because you’re a New Yorker, or a single mom, or gay, etc.).

If you’re looking for someone who was contractually obligated to have Rocker on his podcast, you may want to check out Rob Cesternino’s exit interviews.

 

Purplerockbodcast

Thank you, random internet searcher. If we ever do a list of Hottest Survivors, this is definitely what I’m going to call that podcast. We haven’t actually done one of those lists, so I can’t provide you with my actual responses. But here’s a group of sexy Survivors I chose in hopes that my Second Chance picks could out-poll Andy’s based purely on aesthetic appeal: 

 

How did Shirin Oskooi from Survivor make her first million?

Admittedly, I did not ask her this when I interviewed Shirin. But I will try to spell this out as clearly as humanly possible:

• She was the product manager for Google Calendar
• She worked at Google, a brand you may be familiar with since you used Google to get to my site
• She is an Ivy-educated computer science major who is smart as fuck
• When there is high demand and low supply for an employee with a specific set of skills, wages offered to that type of employee will generally rise, as effectively-run businesses understand the value of a highly productive workforce
• Google. The answer is just fucking “Google”.

 

Sexy Shirin Oskooi nude on Survivor

Fun side note: If you search for almost anything in our image library, it pops up instantly. But if you search for Shirin or Max, the screen goes white for a second. It’s like the site is just telling you, “You realize you have to be way more specific, right? That’s like 90% of the images here.”

My favorite part of this search is the specificity. If you only search for “Shirin Oskooi nude on Survivor”, maybe you just get this:

“No,” this poor man thought, “I don’t want pantless Shirin at a sausage fest! I want sexy Shirin Oskooi nude on Survivor!” Well my creepy friend, dim the lights and enjoy.

 

Hali Fords ass.com

A few thoughts here:

1. Really disappointed that I already bought purplerockpodcast.com as our URL. Clearly this would have been a better choice.
2. This is probably a search from an old man, right? Because old people just put “dot com” after anything to imply internet. I bet if you look at your grandpa’s browser history right now, it’ll have things like “When is Blue Bloods on.com” and “Where did I leave the remote.com”.
3. Somehow, the only searches for naked Survivors that we got were for Max, Shirin, Jenn, and Hali. So at least we helped out with two of those four. And since I’m feeling generous, let’s add a third:

 

Man fisting goat

 

Nope!

(How did we even make the top 85 pages for that search, though? The internet is a disgusting place, and I’m sure there are at least a few hundred websites that will give you a lot more relevant results for that search than ours does.)