Ah, the relentless march of time has brought us to another Updog.

I know, I know: Just shut up and get to the discussion topics. That’s all I am to you all, isn’t it? Fine. Here are your artisanally-cultivated, 100% organic updogs for this week:

1. Should I redesign the site? It’s looked like this for a long time. But also, redesigning is hard and I dislike work. Convince me, preferably the style of a rap battle because my kids have been relentlessly listening to Hamilton and it’s the only language my brain can recognize anymore.
2. Pandemic hypothetical time! You’ve won the world’s weirdest pandemic lottery, wherein as a reward for your commitment to staying inside and/or wearing masks for public health, a celebrity of your choice will engage in sexual congress with you. The celebrity you choose enthusiastically consents to this, as it turns out they have always found you captivating as well. If you have a spouse or partner, they are also enthusiastic about this. Stop trying to think of ways out of this and give in to the fucking thirst! What’s the name of the celebrity you chose?
3. Not gonna lie, I’m still angry that you were so difficult with that last question. I’ll make this one more wholesome for you, but also potentially more contentious, because you’re going to exclude people: You can meet one person you’ve conversed with on this website. Who are you choosing?
4. Fill in the blank: Kids these days, with their _____.
5. Kemper?