Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particular attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up.

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.

“If he (J.T.) wins it, that’s like me winning it.” – Brendan Synnott, Survivor: Tocantins

Some players on Survivor are just incredibly charming and lovable. They just seem so great on TV that you want them to succeed, like they should just be handed the game and the million dollar check because you like them. In real life, they might be out shooting puppies on the weekend with Brian Heidik, but for 42 minutes a week on Survivor you totally relate to them.

Personally, I relate to the “nerds”: Spencer and Stephen. And I can feel fairly good about rooting for Stephen because I’m sure he isn’t out on the weekend shooting puppies with Heidik. (Even if he is, have you seen Fishbach’s aim? The only injury those puppies might get is tinnitus from the sound of all Fishbach’s misses.) My point is this: Stephen Fishbach is great. And I just wanted to make that crystal clear, because that motherfucker failed so hard this week.

So let’s just oil ourselves up and get right into this thing.

Nominee #1: Ciera Eastin

Again with this shit, Ciera? You monster! She’s not even on this season!

You cold, girl. Stone cold.

Nominee #2: Andrew Savage

LOLNOPE!

Nominee #3: Kelly Wiglesworth

People have been questioning whether you learned anything from your first time playing, and whether you even care. But you were clearly thinking about the game enough that you remembered to pack an invisibility cloak as your luxury item. I can only assume you were competing with Buster Bluth for valedictorian at the Milford Academy, where their motto is “Children should be neither seen nor heard.”

Nominee #4: Kimmi Kappenberg

“White people dancing!”

“Hurrying to the bathroom when you have to poop!”

“Drunk and incompetent drummer in a marching band!”

Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were playing charades. That’s just the Kimmi Shimmy.

 

Nominee #5: Stephen Fishbach

A little something about me: I used to coach track. And one of the hilarious jokes about coaching track is, “What do you teach them? Left foot, right foot? But faster?” I present to you Exhibit A for why track coaches exist:

Good lord. A toddler on a morphine drip has better running form.

But it’s cool. He eventually spaz-failed his way to the end. Then he just had to throw the ring onto the hook. Throw the ring onto the hook, Stephen.

Damn, man. I hope you marry a strong woman. Otherwise you’ll end up eating plain ass pasta because both of you are too weak to open the damn jar. In your defense, though, it’s not like anyone here has ever oiled themselves up, slid across a tarp, and then played ring toss just for fun.

Seriously, Fishbach, let’s get to work on finding you a good, strong woman. Put yourself out there. Make yourself available. Show ’em what ya workin’ wit!

Nope. Stop. Stop showing them what you’re working with. Change of plans. Let’s get back to the basics here. Just try approaching a woman and striking up a casual conversation. It can be about anything, but try to make it about something she might be interested in. Got it?

Oh. Wow. Ok, this is an impressive level of failure. She’s pretending to look at the stars in broad daylight just to avoid talking to you. But it’s never too late, Fishbach. Don’t give up hope. You’re a smart guy, you can learn this stuff. You just need the right teacher.

No! NO! Not that guy!

Jeremy. Just ask Jeremy.

Champion of Failure

Length isn’t everything, so don’t read into the fact that I wrote way more about Fishbach than anyone else this week. What matters is effort and-

Nah, just kidding. Did you see that episode? It is my great honor to give this to the Knowingest Know-It-All of all, Stephen Fishbach, for a performance that should inspire many others to want to vote for J.T. to win a million dollars.