Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particularly close attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up. 

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.

“Is Joe’s pole long enough and strong enough to get it off?” – Jeff Probst, Survivor: Cambodia

When I saw that Stephen Fishbach would be blogging about Survivor on people.com, I realized that writing a Survivor blog is the perfect job for me. It requires very little effort, and it allows me to talk about two of my favorite subjects: myself and Survivor. As an added bonus, I get to judge the competence of others based on extremely limited and often incomplete information.

The premiere of Survivor: Cambodia reintroduced us to some of our favorite Survivor players from past seasons- and also Terry, Kimmi, and Woo. One of those players was Kelly Wiglesworth, the runner-up from the very first season of Survivor. Wigles! Where you at?

Remember how you came in second in that first season? How you were one vote away from winning a million dollars, and one of the jurors based his vote on selection of a random number? Do you think about that a lot? Because your preseason interviews seemed to suggest that you give approximately zero fucks about this game and this show. So really, how often do you actually think about it?

Every day, you say?

Speaking of Borneo, let’s do an old school marooning! Everybody dive off the boat with the crap you want to bring, and then the team that gets to this giant bag of rice first will get it. So load up your supplies and then paddle out to- Wigles? Wigles, why did you already start swimming? Settle down, Michael Phelps. Woo ends up getting to the rice first, because it turns out that swimming really far is fucking exhausting.

Practice doesn’t always make perfect

This Survivor blog isn’t going to be some generic recap of the episode, though. Let’s talk about the people who screwed up, and why they deserve to be pointed at and/or laughed at!

Contestant #1: Abi-Maria

“My bracelet is missing. But it’s not big deal. It’s just weird. I’m not going to make a big deal out of it, though. But my definition of not making a big deal out of it is to just bring it up repeatedly to everyone around me, while reassuring them that it’s not a big deal. If someone took my bracelet, that would be weird, though, right? Anyway, I’m just going to let it go. Even though it’s crazy that someone took my bracelet.”

This National Geographic documentary on apophasis was not only fun to watch, it also produced an emoji-fire tweet from Peih-Gee after the episode aired.

Candidate #2: Ciera

Did not vote out her mom in this episode. Did you guys know that she voted out her mom one time? Because she did. You probably wouldn’t know, because Probst and Survivor haven’t mentioned it much. But she did. She voted out her mom. Technically, she could’ve voted for Santa Claus and her mom still would’ve gone home on that vote. But she didn’t vote for Santa Claus. You know who she voted for? Yup. Her mom.

Candidate #3: Fishbach

Ha ha! Look how he’s not strong, even though he’s actually in far better shape than he was in Tocantins. He can’t even chop a branch! Play the dodo bird music!

Wow, what a nerd! Come on, let’s all make fun of what a scrawny little nerd he is, fellow strong and athletic alpha males of the internet! Just twenty minutes earlier Probst called him by his last name, too. I bet he wishes he could take that back; last names are reserved for manly tree-choppers, Stephen!

Candidate #4: Wiglesworth

Takeo: Ok guys, we’ve got the raft loaded up and we’ve got to head for that rice. Was anyone a river guide approximately 15 years ago that might know how to paddle, but maybe not as well as Gervase?

Wiglesworth: I got this, bro! *Wiglesworth dives into the water*

Takeo: This first challenge is really important. We want to set the tone and establish our dominance early. We just need someone to make a pole out of these sticks and rope.

Wiglesworth: I got this, bro!

Champion of failure

It’s important when writing about Survivor to make up your own awards. So I came up with an award that captures the very essence of failing at Survivor– the Dead Fishy. Marvel at the trophy in all its majesty.

And the winner this week? Abi-Maria. Abi-Maria calls herself the Brazilian Dragon. Presumably in Brazil, the dragons kill people not by breathing fire, but by relentlessly grating on their nerves.

Vytas went home this week, and Abi-Maria even helped vote him out. It doesn’t matter. You can fail upward.