In hip-hop music, a hype man supports rappers with exclamations and interjections and attempts to increase the audience’s excitement. In honor of Survivor opening up voting for their Second Chance season, I’ll be serving as hype man for a few select nominees in order to help them win your vote. First up: Peih Gee.

There’s a crowd of casual-viewing motherfuckers out there that won’t remember Peih Gee. They watch Survivor because they’re too lazy to change the channel after they watch some Two and a Half Men re-run at 7:30, then they go on the Survivor Facebook page and start saying shit like, “This season sux! MOAR RUPERT!!!!!!”

It’s cool, though. If they forgot who Peih Gee is, those casuals can just go see what she looks like on her CBS bio page. Oh, look at that! Her picture is a fucking asterisk! That should help jog the ol’ memory!

But let’s be real: you’re not a casual. Casuals don’t end up on this site unless they’re searching for uncensored pictures of naked Survivors. (Which they do. A lot.) So let’s talk Peih Gee, because you’re going to vote for her for Survivor: Second Chance.

Flash back to that CBS bio for a minute. You know the players help write those themselves, right? Check what Peih Gee wanted people to know about her:

Peih Gee was about to go on Survivor and she wanted to make it clear to people that she’d done well on her verbal SATs, because that should win her some fans among the crowd that types in all caps and loves “Ruppurt!” But again, those are the casuals. They may not give a fuck if Survivors can read, but the Venn diagram of Survivor fans and the hyper-literate probably intersects at this exact website. (And yes, I did include that portion of her bio just so I could brag that I beat her verbal SAT score. Hit me up for a Words With Friends game, Peih Gee!)

You know what else I’ve learned from doing this podcast and website for a few years now? There are a lot of gay Survivor fans. And you know what gay guys love? No, besides other guys. No, besides RuPaul’s Drag Race. Fuck! I’ll just tell you: they love Madonna. (I confirmed this by asking at least two gay people, so it’s safe to assume this applies to the whole gay population. They also confirmed that Lady Gaga is the new Madonna, and that they’re very sorry about Glee.) Why am I bringing up Madonna? Because Peih Gee danced for her!

Need proof? Check out this screenshot!

“But John,” you’re saying to me, as though we’re on a first-name basis, “what the hell did Peih Gee actually do on her season that was memorable?” Now let me answer that question with a question: “What the hell did Parvati do on her first season that was memorable?” Parvati is now considered one of the greatest players ever- and apparently considered second-greatest ever, judging by our Ultimate Survivor bracket– but she barely did shit in her first season.

You know what Peih Gee did? Survivor threw her a twist, and she saw a golden opportunity to exploit it. When her tribe received the other tribe’s two strongest players, Peih Gee didn’t think “Oh good, now we can win immunity!” No, that’s what someone who got a 770 or less on the verbal portion of the SAT would think. Peih Gee thought, “Let’s lose and vote these motherfuckers out!”

That alone is more than Parvati did in her first season. And Peih Gee won two immunity challenges despite weighing about as much as a sneezed-in Kleenex. (Admittedly, one of the people she was competing against was Courtney, who weighs less than a sneezed-in Kleenex.)

“Come on, John,” you’re saying to me in a playful manner that suggests that we’re fucking friends or something, “that can’t be it.” Of course that’s not it. I can’t half-ass these things, because when I do I end up doing shit like putting Dan on Hype Team Four instead of Mike because I had more information about Dan to write about.

So I went digging. You may have noticed a lot of Survivors suddenly have the urge to do a Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything). They just coincidentally decided it would be fun to interact with you lowly fans just as voting for this Second Chance season is beginning? Well Peih Gee isn’t down for pandering to your ass to get your votes. Peih Gee did an AMA almost three years ago, for the fuck of it.

Peih Gee demeaned herself by answering all of your stupid ass Survivor-related questions. Questions like: “Did you have sex on Survivor?”

and “But seriously, did you have sex on Survivor? What about after? Have you ever had sex? What’s that like? Is it as exciting as it looks in the thousands of videos of it I’ve watched online?”

So don’t go asking Peih Gee about trivial shit, because it’s already been asked. Actually, don’t ask her about non-trivial shits either. She’s already talked about them, and in great detail.

That last paragraph might be the most amazing thing I’ve read on Survivor Reddit this year. Peih Gee pooped a fucking softball. For thirty minutes. And she contemplated prying it out with a stick. Just imagine every member of the Axis of Evil (née Wet Blanket Alliance) suffering through this exact experience. Squeeze out those softballs, Dan, Will, Rodney, Tyler and Carolyn!

But how is Peih Gee’s Twitter game? Entertaining me in 43-minute increments over the course of thirteen or fourteen episodes of Survivor Second Chance isn’t enough to earn my love anymore. Show me what ya workin’ with, Peih Gee!

 

I’ll forgive her for the typo there if only because I appreciate her comparison of Rodney and Joaquin to two dogs sniffing ass. Hey, speaking of dogs:

Ah, good-natured joking! This season of Survivor had almost made me forget such a thing could exist. Ok, last tweet, Peih Gee. Make it a good one.

The rare mom joke that is also a poop joke. Well done! And I look forward to now referring to my bowel movements as “big business” from now on.

But speaking of big business, it’s time to get down to the business at hand: Vote for Peih Gee for Survivor: Second Chance. Judging by my previous hype posts, I’ve got about a 75% chance of being right on this stuff. Just trust me on this. Vote Peih Gee.