Andy makes the official PRP predictions in this season’s edition of Survivor Jury Jeopardy, battling other websites that probably took this more seriously than we did.

Alright, so here’s what happened: Redmond graciously asked John if we wanted to participate in this year’s Jury Jeopardy. We discussed it as a staff and non-committally said we should probably do it, with Emma making a joke about how it should be her as the unofficial brand ambassador of the site, and me saying it should be John (who Redmond asked) or her.

Then none of us did it. I think on Sunday we realized that no one had done it and then we shrugged, blew it off, and went about our day. As long as this isn’t your first time visiting our site (and it might be! Welcome!), none of this will surprise you.

But someone failed to tell Jeff Pitman that we blew it off, so he mentioned that we were involved. Which shocked me, because I was all “whoa! John did work!” Then I clicked on his link to see that it was just his site’s contribution (because I had forgotten how this feature worked) and he hadn’t realized that we didn’t end up participating. Okay, cool. He just didn’t get the memo. Time for me to finish reading my morning internet stuff and go take a nap (Stay-at-Home Dadding is awesome when the kids aren’t around). But then, I read the True Dork Times contribution.

They had Chrissy winning the most jury votes. THEY. HAD. CHRISSY. WINNING.

I took to Slack and told the rest of the staff that they could participate or not, but I’m writing something. They also got fired up, started to do some rankings, then promptly gave up on them (SO ON BRAND!). We told Redmond we’d have something in an hour or so. THE TAKES MUST LIVE.

Oh yeah, and before I get to that, shout out to the other sites competing: Inside Survivor, RHAP, True Dork Times, and A Tribe of One. We don’t care which of you beats us (because we are awful at predictions), as long as it isn’t Pitman and his crew.

Also note: I’m taking the Inside Survivor tactic of only making three choices per juror (and 2 per potential juror) since that’s the minimum required to make a prediction. And we are very, very big on just fulfilling our minimum requirements around here.

The Rules

For each Juror (and each potential Juror), each website will rank the Final Five by the likelihood of receiving their Jury vote.

Each blogger will score one point for each correct guess, for a possible high score of eight points. A correct guess is determined by the Juror giving their vote to the highest ranking castaway in the Final Three. Once the votes are read, the decision is final, and the person with the most points will be declared the winner of Heroes vs Healers vs Hustlers Jury Jeopardy.

The Current Jury

Desi

Time to get into the mind of one of the two complete blank slates of the season. We can pretend to understand what Desi’s motivations are for anything, just like we pretended that she possibly had some entertainment value in her that the editors cruelly kept hidden from us. That was fun.

My guess is that Desi goes with whatever the prevailing opinions are of the majority of the jury, just like how she went with whatever the opinions of the more seasoned Survivor fans she played the game with (first Roark, then Joe). The one thing I can confidently say is that she did not cast a vote for Chrissy, then head home and cut a diss track on her winner pick in exit interviews. She was on a tribe with Mike to start with, so that could help him, but I have no idea if she liked him or not. She was also on a tribe with Devon. And to be on a tribe with Devon is to love him (unless you’re Chrissy and thus wait until the final week of the season to even talk to him).

Devon > Mike > Ben

Cole

The nice thing about the first three jurors is that you can bet pretty safely that none of them have given a particular amount of thought to the awesome responsibility they face with this vote. I mean, they may have thought about it, but it easily falls lower on their list of priorities than working out, that day’s meal, and coordinating their jury outfits. So I wouldn’t rule out them outsourcing their vote to Joe. But mostly, I’m comfortable simply asking the question “who do they like better?” and leaving it at that (note: this is also true of most voters ever).

Cole was on tribes with both Ben and Mike, so you’d think they’d have the best shot at being most liked by him. Until you realize that they both betrayed him. Ben the most, in that he also betrayed Jessica. But Mike also voted for Cole the day he played his idol. Meanwhile, I don’t think we ever got a scene of he and Devon broing out, but it’s also not impossible to imagine that happened. Or if it hadn’t, that they could say the right combo of bro code at tribal to tip the scales.

Devon > Mike > Ben

JP

On this week’s podcast, I made the bold claim that if Chrissy were to get a single jury vote, I’d retire from the podcast. I will admit right now that I said that forgetting that JP was a person that existed (on this show or in life). So, comment below if you think I should retire from the podcast should this anonymous slab of beef ruin this for me, just do so realizing that at this point in this season, I can take or leave Survivor as a hobby. That said, I still wouldn’t put JP as a lock for Chrissy. He could easily just vote the way everyone else is on the jury, as he’s now hung out with them as much as he did she (give or take, don’t expect me to do math).

Also, important question: do we think that JP ever found out that Ben was involved in his ouster? And by “ever”, I’ll still include after the episode aired.

Chrissy > Ben > Ryan

Joe

Joe feuded with basically everyone left in the game (and not), but also seems most likely to cast his vote based on gameplay. Because it is very important to Joe for us to realize that this was all a game for him. Hard to do that if you cast a personally motivated jury vote. Not that other former jurors haven’t tried to thread that needle in that past.

Ultimately, the hill Joe died on is that if Ben gets to the end, he will win. I believe that he’ll try to ensure that proclamation will remain true now that he’s on the jury because it will mean that Joe was right all along and truly had his finger on the pulse. Plus, the strengths of Ben’s game are very Joe-like (flashily disrupting people’s plans with idol moves at tribal), while his weaknesses are even more Joe-like (had a knack for getting into heated arguments with people). So Joe won’t see those as flaws. Joe isn’t the type to think “that guy didn’t get along with me” as a personality flaw.

Ben > Mike > Devon

Lauren

Lauren is a no-nonsense gameplayer who mildly hated everyone. Except Devon. He’s a bright, beautiful light. While it’s tempting to think that the Great Lauren Rimmer will recognize game and reward the guy who vanquished her, I think she’ll see everything Ben did as a personal betrayal of her, especially since she won’t know why he did it (she doesn’t know that he overheard her plotting against him. In her mind, he just betrayed every confidence she had entrusted in him for no reason). So she should be pretty bitter. I mean, not bitter enough to cast a vote for Chrissy or Ryan, mind you, but still… bitter.

Devon > Mike > Ben

Ashley

Anyone thinking that Devon lost her vote needs to watch her Ponderosa video (so I hear. I mean, I certainly haven’t watched it). Ashley voting for Devon should the opportunity present itself is the biggest lock there is. The tougher call is her choice if the opportunity doesn’t. At that point, I think she’ll go with the games she most respects: Ben, then Chrissy’s if we get the worst final three since Gabon.

Devon > Ben > Chrissy

The Potential Jurors

For this group, I’ll pick their top two choices (since they themselves will be one of the jurors in this hypothetical, thereby making two the highest number I need to pick to ensure that I’ve identified someone who will be in the final three). The tough part is that I have to do this without knowing HOW they were put on the jury, which tends to matter even more to the last people eliminated than even that of earlier jurors (in part because blame can’t be diffused as much. For instance, who would have thought Cydney wouldn’t vote for Aubry?)

Ben

Ben’s playing an aggressive game that is equal parts big moves and personal vindictiveness. So you have to decide who he’ll think was his top competition that he didn’t also hate. Note: even before I realized that True Dork Times had more Chrissy votes than anyone, I was motivated by the fact that they had Ben voting for Chrissy. Ben. Voting for Chrissy. Ben “STOP MOTHERING ME CHRISSY” Driebergen voting for Chrissy “HOW DARE YOU BE EXCITED ABOUT PLAYING AN IDOL” Hofbeck.  I mean… they probably weren’t trying to draw me out because most of them have no idea who I am, but… really? REALLY?

You really think that after a final tribal conversation (not question mind you, not a statement, but CONVERSATION), volatile Ben would leave it wanting to vote for Chrissy? REALLY?

You think Ben is going to forget the moment Chrissy, without a moment’s hesitation, GLEEFULLY did not choose Ben’s wife to share the family reward and vote for her to win a game that means she beat him? Really?

You really think that Ben is going to respect the game of the woman he completely fooled for a good week when he knows damn well that any ounce of power she held in this game post-merge was only because he allowed her to. REALLY?

I… I just can’t guys. I can’t.

Devon > Mike

Chrissy

This is a purely academic exercise because there’s no way she’s not sitting in front of the jury, so let’s not waste time trying to figure out Chrissy’s hierarchy of petty.

Ryan > Whomever she thinks can keep Ben from winning (let’s say Devon)

Devon

Mostly what we know about Devon is that he’s a chill bro with some game who doesn’t like snakes around in the game. Also, all his favourite people are already on the jury. That said, he’s also been saying that if Ben makes it to the end, he wins. So I think that will be his guiding force with this decision.

(And no, that wasn’t a Kylo Ren pun).

Ben > Ryan

Mike

So whatever else you want to say about Mike (seriously, I’m game for anything), he at least seems like a good guy having a good time. I expect no bitterness to his vote, especially since his elimination should either be unanimous or a result of a Ben idol play. That said, I don’t see him going out of his way to vote for the two people who have most tried to keep him from playing the game (until they needed him that is). Plus, Ben has played him for a fool two or three times so far. He might not be angry about that, but he might not be excited by it either.

Devon > Ben

Ryan

Ryan is a student of the game, and thus will vote for who thinks has played the best game. The person he thinks will have played the best game will be the person whose game most aligns with his, which he thinks was the best game. Ergo, that person will not necessarily have had to actually play a good game.

Chrissy > Ben

There you have it. I’ll leave it up to someone else to tally this up to see how this aligns with predictions because frankly, I don’t know how that would work given that I don’t believe the two people I have ranked highest for most jurors will face each other. Too complicated for me, so summary: Ben or Devon, never Chrissy.

In Case of a Tie

Whoops, I guess I was supposed to do this. In case of a tie, the final jury vote will be 7-1-0. For either Ben or Devon.