Taako From Teevhii shares the best bonus scenes from the previous episode of Survivor: Hoosiers vs. Hawkeyes vs. Huskers.

This Week In Secret Scenes

“No One Wants To Hear Anything I Have To Say”

Yeah, Joe, maybe that’s because you’re an asshole.

This Week In Confessionals

“I Would Probably Never Come Out To Fiji And Go On, Like, A Yacht, Little Tour Through The Islands, So This Is A Great Experience, A Great Opportunity, So Just Wanna Say Thanks Jeff To That, It’s Uh, Y’know, A Really Fortunate Opportunity To Have That, Cruisin’ Around, And Uh, It’s A, Y’know, Once In A Lifetime Experience, Y’know”

This clip is submitted without comment.

“Ultimately Too, What I’m Playing For Probably More Probably Is My Little Sister”

We’re double-dipping on JP confessionals this week. The previous clip is your quintessential JP confessional, but this one gives some background on our favorite human manifestation of NyQuil. Forget babes on the beach with tri-tip salad, JP would spend his million dollars (if he wins it) helping his sister, who lives with ITP. The loved ones visit is just around the corner, so here’s hoping more of this story gets told then.

“I Believed I Could Do It, And I Did”

Here is your reminder that Chrissy is a mom defying the “Mom on Survivor” archetype and that a whole storyline could be made of Chrissy doing so. And yet, we don’t really have this storyline. What does this mean? Does it mean anything at all?

I feel like Chrissy is a mixture of previous Survivor moms, specifically Dawn, Lisa, Kass, and Carolyn. She went out to Fiji to play (hard), but she’s still surprising herself with what she can accomplish. I can’t say that I’m rooting for her, but I’m certainly not rooting against her.

“Your Idea’s Dumb”

Ben’s not steamrolling anyone (but he totally is). He’s not trying to be a dictator (though he’s succeeding at it). He’s just trying to hang on and stay in the game (never mind that his behavior will get him sent packing).

“I Am A Fantastic Player”

Devon’s here to say that he’s not following your orders because you told him to, he’s doing it because he wants to *thumbs nose*. By the way, Evil Masterminds Monthly called to say that Devon was PROBABLY going to be named “Genius of the Year,” but he’d have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. He said “probably” was no good, and he was in Fiji at the time; he passed!

Look, I’ll level with y’all; I’ve said for a while now that if I had to bet on a winner, it’d probably be Devon. Not because he’s about to Keyser Söze this entire crew, but because he’ll end up being the Fabio to this Nicaragua redux. I still maintain that there’s more than this Jason Mendoza facade; does that make him an Andy Dwyer-type? Either way, I’d be happy if Devon worked his way up to Philip J. Fry.

“This Whole Game Is About Adapting”

Oh shit, Devon has a finance degree? Well that’s even more reason for John to love Devon.

This Week In Ponderosa

“It’s Never Felt So Good To Lose”

Desi greets Cole at the doors of Ponderosa with peanut butter and orange soda, the “keys to living a healthy life.” I understand the value of peanut butter, but orange soda? Maybe Cole meant psychological health. Insert your choice of Mr. Peanutbutter joke here.

And considering how much we heard of Cole’s daily 5000-calorie diet and his severe hunger pains, I was expecting a much larger spread for his first meal at Ponderosa. With just chips, a pizza, and a burger, I was kinda disappointed. I was expecting all that plus two bowls of pasta, fried chicken, and half a cake. Winning that reward the previous day spoiled the smorgasbord to come.

After seeing a bit of Desi’s pageant world last week, we got to see Cole in his hiking element this week. We’ll see what happens when Chrissy arrives at Ponderosa.

This Week In Gifable Moments

Whenever the former sheriff of Maricopa County opens his mouth.

When someone’s cheering you on and you misinterpret it as an evaluation of your overall appearance.

When someone tells you that Cambodia is not a Top 10 season.