Taako From Teevhii shares the best bonus scenes from the previous episode of Survivor: Skeleton Keys.

This Week In Secret Scenes

”You Made it, Bitches”

I feel like it’s time to lament the passing of some Survivor merge traditions. The merge feast was vastly underserved in the main edit, and it really isn’t even covered that much here. Half of this clip is devoted to Donathan and Sea Bass alone. We don’t get to learn how the merge tribe was named Lavita (and that doesn’t look like a clumsy portmanteau). No painting of the merged tribe’s flag. Hmm. Maybe looking over what we missed, “lament” isn’t the right word.

But just considering this clip itself, I have three questions:
1. Where’s the meat? I think the only protein in that spread was cold-cuts, and that seems mean to do to people who have been starving for three weeks.
2. Were there edibles in the feast? Because that’d explain Sea Bass’s confessional. It wouldn’t explain his other ones this season, but it’d do the job here.
3. What the hell is “coconut flusk?”

This Week In Confessionals

”I Don’t Want To Be That Guy”

For the second week in a row, we’re going with just one confessional. Chris Noble has been booted from the game, so of course he should get the sole confessional spotlight this week. In case you’re deadly afraid of missing some content, all of the other confessionals from this episode can be summarized by at least one of the following sentiments:

• I’ve made it to the merge! What a milestone!
• The merge feast is here! Let’s eat!
• My old friends from past tribes! It’s great to see them!
• New friends I’ve yet to meet! I can’t wait to play with them!
• We’re in the post-merge, and anything can happen! It’s an individual game now!
• Boy, that challenge was tough today!
• I don’t know if I’m safe tonight! I might play my idol!

With that out of the way, let’s talk about this Chris Noble confessional. Chris Noble says that the value of his idol extends beyond the next two Tribals because he could keep it and use it as a fake idol. Chris Noble’s words, not mine, Andy! For those of you reading between the lines, this very much sounds like Chris Noble is echoing something Production has told him about his idol, meaning that they’re very much committed to squeezing every last ounce of drama from the advantages in play. Also, they would have filmed this season before HHH aired, so this isn’t Chris drawing inspiration from Chrissy’s idol.

Chris seems at least open to the idea of playing his idol at this Tribal, but he says that it all depends on his gut going into Tribal (as he clearly didn’t pick up on all the clues that happened during Tribal). Immediately after that, Chris Noble adds that this is his first Tribal. I honestly think that this was the critical disadvantage for Chris Noble. Without ever going to Tribal, his personal connections had never really been tested. He’d obviously know not to trust anyone on the island, but I doubt he knew how much he needed to distrust everyone. And yes, I know that the obvious joke here is that Chris Noble thought that he was infallible and invincible and therefore didn’t need to play his idol, but that would contradict Chris Noble’s decision to sneak out of camp to find an idol.

The other factor here is that Chris Noble really wants to play this idol as late as he can. And for someone who says that he doesn’t want to go home with an idol in his pocket, it’s a strange stance to take. Because as everyone knows, you can’t play an idol if you aren’t in the game.

This Week In Ponderosa

”The Noble One”

Literally everything before 5:51 is not worth your time. After 5:51, there’s a lot to discuss. Chris Noble’s flow. The weird tuba beats he’s rapping to. THE BARS. Let’s talk about that last one.

Bula, Fiji!

Feelin’ like a boss as I’m island-hoppin’.
The buzz so real, it’s like we bottle poppin’.
Choppers on deck, their hearts flush when they droppin’.
Straight callin’ dude’s bluff when they body-floppin’.

It’s a solid start with “Bula, Fiji!” This could definitely be Chris Noble’s “Dale!” or “Another one!” Does this make Chris Noble the Pitbull or DJ Khaled of Survivor? Yes. Yes it does.

Feelin’ like a boss as I’m island-hoppin’ is a good line that references his tribe swaps and doubles as a reinforcement of his bougie persona. The buzz so real, it’s like we bottle poppin’ is a bit weaker; is Chris Noble then not bottle poppin’? It only seems like he is? Where is the “buzz” coming from? Choppers on deck, their hearts flush when they droppin’ just makes no sense and seems like a ham-fisted reference to the helicopter at Ponderosa. Straight callin’ dude’s bluff when they body-floppin’ is just Chris Noble (1) mumbling in the beginning and (2) confusing the term “belly-flopping.”

Check my back from that blindside.
They say “Naviti strong,” but they change with the high tide.
The Dark Side: the low-V with the black dye.
The Domino Effect cost me a million and a swell eye.

The first two lines of this verse are ???? (but not really ????????????). The third line is almost at that level, but the low-V with the black dye sounds like “the low-V with the Black guy,” which is problematic. Chris Noble would’ve taken me there with “The Dark Side: the low-V from the NY” because that makes it very clear who he’s putting on blast. But the fourth line is where this falls apart. Is “the Domino Effect” just for “Dom?” Is a “swell eye” something other than a black eye? Did Chris Noble want that? How did Dom cost him that?

Livin’ the dream on Ponderosa.
Swung for the fences, I call it Sammy Sosa.
We juice all day and toss the corks in the roasta’s.
Probst on deck, feel the burn when he host ya.

Livin’ the dream on Ponderosa shows that Chris Noble is living the good life in a Fijian resort, but it also makes it sound like he doesn’t mind being voted out. Swung for the fences, I call it Sammy Sosa shows that Chris Noble was reaching for something to rhyme with “Ponderosa.” For every stage of Sammy Sosa’s life, there’s someone better to compare yourself to. There were better contemporaneous baseball players, and in his post-baseball days … well, you can google “Sammy Sosa hat.” We juice all day and toss the corks in the roasta’s is a wine line as far as I can tell, though I have no clue what a “roasta” is. Probst on deck, feel the burn when he host ya is a reference to Tribal (and all of the fire therein), I think, though I don’t know why this line is a part of the hook.

Livin’ the dream on Ponderosa.
Swung for the fences, I call it Sammy Sosa.
We juice all day and toss the corks in the roasta’s.
Probst on deck, feel the burn when he host ya.

Oh, we’re just immediately repeating the hook? The song structure could stand to be improved.

Life is a beach as I sip my Corona.
Survivor on my mind, that’s why I ponder-osa.
It’ll toast ya—maybe bloat ya.
Send ya to Tribal where they roast ya.
Oh shit! A dude mighta ghost ya.

Life is a beach as I sip my Corona is fine. Survivor on my mind, that’s why I ponder-osa is … also fine. It’ll toast ya—maybe bloat ya: what? Send ya to Tribal where they roast ya is Chris Noble reaching for a rhyme again because this line has no connection to either line before or after it. Oh shit! A dude mighta ghost ya really doesn’t need to be there.

Bottle service all day, we stay VIP.
Serve the finest lobster like Seb on Day 3.
When things get hot, take a paddle to the sea.
Unlock the door to freedom from my Florida Key.

Bottle service all day, we stay VIP is the third booze reference in this song, and it really contradicts Chris Noble’s line in the first verse, which strongly implies that he’s not bottle-poppin’. Serve the finest lobster like Seb on Day 3 is a nice reference to Chris Noble’s island buddy, but it also implies that Chris Noble is wait staff and not the person eating the lobster. When things get hot, take a paddle to the sea is another reach for a rhyme. Unlock the door to freedom like my Florida Key is certainly a line in this rap.

On the jet ski,
The vitamin D,
What happens on the island stays in Fiji.
Vinaka!

… No words.

This Week In Gifable Moments

When it’s hard for you to recognize greatness.