In the history of Survivor, there have been many petty beefs between players. Almost none of them are worthy of your concern or attention. But this? This is huge.

In hip-hop music, an argument between two rappers is known as “beef”. For this Survivor: Game Changers preview, I’ll be exploring perhaps the most fascinating beef in the game. The queens are at war, and there’s only one crown. 

Much like you, as Game Changers pregame press began trickling out, I sought out all the interviews given by some of my returning favorites- I want to get hyped for the season, and then in turn get you hyped for the season. But this time, I stumbled across something unexpected: Sandra and Cirie have beef, y’all.

This is not “OMG Scot and Alecia from Kaoh Rong hate each other!” I haven’t thought about those two since Kaoh Rong ended, and probably won’t ever again. Their feud is meaningless. This feud is between two Survivor Hall of Famers. These are legends of the fucking game. And they’re two of my all-time favorites.

I cannot overstate this: This is the Biggie vs. Tupac of Survivor beefs. This is Beyoncé vs. Adele, only if Adele was like, “Fuck you and your garbage ass album, Bey! Put that hot sauce back in your bag!”

Like me, your first thought upon discovering this beef was probably, “No! No, queens, not like this!” You wanted these legendary women to combine forces and dominate. You thought you wanted a Cirie-Sandra alliance, because you love them both. Even Probst was on board for that.

But if we’d set aside our own hopes and given it any thought at all, we would have known that these two weren’t likely to pair up. Cirie is not here to help your favs- she came to slay your favs. Cirie did not get her ass up off the couch for any other reason than to win a million dollars.

This isn’t just Cirie looking out for Cirie, though. This is something different. Everyone knows Cirie is out to win, but the players are giving their interviews in pregame Ponderosa- where they aren’t allowed to talk to each other at all- and people are still picking up on the Cirie-Sandra vibe. What the fuck is causing this bad blood?

There it is. This beef is about respect. Cirie disrespected the crown. And Sandra is not having that shit. I do laugh at the idea that since they’re both from Connecticut they should get along; if I’m ever on Survivor, all my fellow Floridians can go fuck themselves. But did Cirie really say Sandra didn’t deserve either of her wins? Time for some detective work.

Oh wait, I just remembered that I’m lazy as fuck. But I did manage to Google “Cirie Survivor Hantz Sandra” (which sounds like some weird word salad from a demented Survivor fan). And as near as I can tell from my minimal efforts, Sandra is referring to this interview Cirie gave to Survivor Oz.

Well this hurts. Cirie said Russell should’ve won Heroes vs. Villains. If she’d said Parvati, we’d all forgive her; everyone loves Parv now. But Russell? Damn. Cirie isn’t here for your favs because Cirie doesn’t even have the same favs. She’s slaying your favs because they aren’t hers, not because they aren’t her.  So pour one out for the True Queens alliance we’d all been hoping for; it isn’t happening, y’all.

But here’s a crazy thought: What if this is even better? When LeBron James played against Dwyane Wade, they’d both take their games to another level, and the results were spectacular to watch. So wouldn’t it be an amazing viewing experience to see two legendary heroes battling it out? How could that possibly be bad?

I’ve given up on hoping that this is all some elaborate pregame ruse, and that the beef is staged to cover up a secret alliance. I’m gonna sit down with a knife and fork and eat this beef up. Hit me with some venom, Gordon Holmes!

Translation: “Oh, she’s on my level? COUNT THA RINGZ!”

Sandra isn’t here for a cold war- she’s ready to chop heads. But how does Cirie feel about this beef? If Sandra is talking shit, you gotta assume Cirie is gonna clap back, right? Give us the answers we need, Wigler!

Oh shit! Cirie just hit Sandra with the Mariah Carey!

Ok, now I’m into this shit. I didn’t want this to happen, but now that we’re here I kinda dig it. Light each other up, queens! Scorch the earth! Sandra, ether this fool!

Translation:

Cirie, are you going to take that shit lying down on your now-fucked couch? Or are you gonna show her what the five fingers said to the face?

Can I get a ruling from the judges on this one?

Sandra claiming GOAT status while Cirie calls it goat status. Cirie’s not even having this queen shit- she downgraded Sandra to a “little Puerto Rican princess”. Fuck yo tiara!

Now there’s no going back. This needs to happen. There is only one throne, and there can only be one queen upon it. They may start off on different tribes, but if we can get through the first two votes by getting rid of some fodder, we can get the head-to-head matchup we need. But before it happens, you better declare your allegiance: