We’ve probably kept Fan Friction, our series of essays where one of our columnists writes an ode to one of their favorite Survivor players while defending them against any potential naysayers (both real and imagined), going this long just to see if we could will this post into being. Sad Lil did not disappoint.

Why I’m Great

Hey Purple Rock Gang. It’s me Lillian Morris. And I’m here to defend myself against the slings and arrows I always hear from you so called “super-fans”. Y’all internet folk love to complain about r.obbed g.oddesses (kids these days have no sense of grammar) but I’m the original OG if that’s about not getting deserved respect (which I think it is?). I see lots of Dawn Meehan kudos (rightfully so) but what about Lil! Why aren’t I invited to the g.oddess party? I think it’s a gosh darn shame.

I controlled the game after the merger. Like Sandra I stayed in the shadows when I had to, but unlike Sandra I took control when I needed to. I was the first person to play swing vote all the way to the finals, and lost to that foul mouthed Sandra for no good reason. I’m also an excellent sailor and can tie 47 different knots.

Haters Gonna Hate

Coattail Rider

Is that so! Well who took out Burton when she had the chance? And if you guessed Sandra you’re just being what they call these days “outcome oriented”. I bet you use wins to judge pitchers in baseball too and are a Cardinals fan. I controlled my own destiny unlike that leech that you all heap so much praise upon.

Outcasts twists was unfair

Oh really? Then I guess BOSTON ROB shouldn’t be considered a winner then huh! I was the first person to come back into Survivor after getting voted out, and the only one to make the finals after getting voted out. I always hear “Ohhh if Ozzy made it back in his season he would have won”. Well I did what even the great Ozzy could not!

I’ve also heard this malarkey about “oh she was just voted back because she was annoying.” Poppycock. Who is this from I wonder? Might it be that snake Jon Dalton? Thought so. I was voted back in because people like Ryan (that’s regular Ryan to you thank you very much) respected me as a player.

She’s weak

Well nuh uh. Who won the final immunity challenge? That’s right, Eaglescout Lillian Morris! I did what people like Rob Cesternino (BTW I’ve heard those terrible impressions and I would appreciate it if you told him and Mr. Josh how peeved I am about them) could not.

And I hear those complains about my crying. I am a real person with real emotions thank you very much. And I don’t see you taking shots at Jeremy (P.S. mama likey) even though he sobbed throughout his game. And I lost count of how many time REDDIT SUPERFAN ADAM KLEIN cried. But I guess it’s OK for men to cry but when strong women do it’s weakness.

She was a fraud

This hurts me to the core. The same people who hold up Andrew Savage as a shining beacon of strength choose to denigrate me for standing up for my principles! That guy was a J. E. R. K. jerk! “Oh but he’s so loyal” you say! I saw how he treated Mr. Stephen and he showed his true colors there. He is a just a self aggrandizing coastal snob. I am and will always be a true scout. And it’s not my fault they made me wear it anyway.

Embrace Debate

I don’t know what this section is about. Am I supposed to debate myself? I will not. Anyway y’all are jerks and Ryan (THAT’S HIS FULL NAME) had it right. DIE JERKS.