Matt:
Oh John has the first pick? He’s gonna blow it big time
John:
Well, you definitely can’t claim that I rig the draft order. Because there’s no way in hell I’d accept whatever default pick you guys leave me with.
Matt:
Everyone the winner John hates the most is Adam. Just casually mentioning that for no reason whatsoever
John:
As a reminder, here is the list of players in season
AdamB:
very excited to draft my favorite champion:
John:
I call him Dean Classic.
Since I really only get one pick, I have to try to grab someone I think can win, rather than go for someone I think will provide a decent amount of points. And it seems wildly improbable that someone like Tyson would be a two-time Survivor winner. But it also seemed wildly improbable that Tyson would be a one-time Survivor winner, so…
I’m taking Tyson with the #1 pick.
Matt:
John try and be less of a stereotype of yourself
John:
You know what Tyson would do with even more money? Exactly what he’s doing now- absolutely fucking nothing. I respect that.
Mark:
I can’t wait for him to get pranked by Tony and Sandra and go home pre-merge now.
AdamB:
So I was never thinking about Tyson when it comes to my pick, and the reason why will feed into my own pick. When you look at who wins all-star seasons on the show, it’s never the ones who are coming in with (what seems to be) the best all-around games. Challenge beasts don’t win. And people who are more overt about being manipulators and unreliable don’t win them … though as HvV showed, they often can go far. These are all people who don’t want to let someone stay in the game to a point where they can’t get rid of them.
Who am I taking, then? Someone who plays a solid social game, who knows how to make moves when needed, but is generally going to stay under the radar and be the glue to a solid alliance. Someone who does not make him-or-herself a target. And someone who’s played recently enough to know how to deal with hidden idols and advantages and whatever nonsense is out there.
(Also, someone who would not engage in unwanted sexual contact with others on the show, and who I would trust to be an ally to anyone who would speak up. Fuck this season.)
Mark:
Please don’t say Adam.
John:
See, I was reading that as Michele. Except “knows how to make moves” doesn’t track.
AdamB:
So with the second pick in this draft, give me the pride of the University of Pennsylania (not-yet-Carey) Law School, Wendell Holland.
Matt:
Never Carey! Down with Carey!
Mark:
Ok, solid choice.
AdamB:
Also, when I called my Survivor-loving (and has been to Palau) wife ten minutes ago to explain that the draft was today, even before I laid out my theory of who I was looking for she gave me three names, and Wendell was the first one. She had the same theory. The other two, I’m sure, will be gone before my next pick.
Matt:
I also thought Adam was building up to selecting my top choice, who I am holding out hope will last until pick 10
Mark:
That said, I would have respected the ballsiness of choosing a player based on your name.
AdamB:
I think I would’ve preferred a later draft slot for this; lord knows what I’m going to be stuck with.
Mark:
As always, I approve of being in the middle.
John:
You’re going to be stuck with an option one degree more appealing than what I’m stuck with, Adam.
Matt:
Oh we don’t know that John will be stuck with Adam. We just know that John does not like Adam
Oh wait you were addressing our Adam here. My mistake
John:
I’m sure Adam won’t be left when it gets to my pick. He is way too good for someone to pass up. In fact, I’ll be stunned if you all are foolish enough to let him slip past the first round.
Mark:
Watch me.
John:
I’m mostly just disappointed that Matt didn’t end up with the last pick, because we all would’ve collectively agreed to make sure he gets Michele.
Matt:
Someone is looking out for me
Emma:
Damn give a west coast girl a chance to wake up.
Anyway Wendell was on my short list and now I am jealous.
AdamB:
Wow. I thought it was a sleeper pick. But, okay, be jealous.
Emma:
Well that’s not helping.
ADS
My thinking is along the same lines as AdamB’s, but backed by pseudoscience. I used a process of elimination where I took off the board 1) anybody who hasn’t played modern Survivor, which I’ll arbitrarily say is prior to Heroes vs. Villains; 2) anybody who’s playing for a third time or more (I think your bag of tricks is empty after two appearances); and 3) in lieu of showmances, there are two “couples” on each tribe who have been on the same tribe and/or been allies on a previous season. I think it would be easy for the other six to band together early to break them up. One of each pair could escape, but I wouldn’t want to bet on them.
That leaves four men and four women. Given the history of all-returnees seasons I assume a woman will win (pseudoscience!). I’m very, very tempted to make Michele my winner pick, because if the world is going to burn anyway, I want to profit from it (by “profit”, I mean win a no-stakes fantasy league playing against people I’ve never met). But I don’t want to be any more galaxy-brained about this than I am already, so I’m picking Kim.
You may question a screening process that leads me to both Michele and Kim, to which I say you don’t understand pseudoscience.
Matt:
I can only assume you were using phrenology
ADS
How dare you accuse me of touching womens’ heads.
Matt:
I hope you at least got permission before the calipers came out
AdamB:
Kim was definitely on my board. By definition, everyone here has played a good game of Survivor at least once — because they won — but she’s someone who we all thought dominated her season thoroughly at the time, including with immunity challenge wins. What nudged me away from picking her is that she didn’t really face quality competition that season, and I don’t know how she’ll perform in a more fluid game.
Matt:
Also I think she is one of the people with a more visible target on her back
Mark:
I wanted to pick her because her competition was weak. I also think there’s 6-7 bigger threats that get her to the merge easily.
AdamB:
Mark, how are you defining threats? Because we’re dealing with the double-psychology that they all know what we know about who tends to win these seasons and, obviously, are each motivated to pursue what works best for their own games.
John:
In any normal season, Kim’s overwhelming charm would be wildly threatening. But this time, Parvati exists. And from what I’ve seen on social media, Kim seems to get along really well with all of these people, even while not seeming like best friends. Those things work to her advantage. One major disadvantage is that the fan community has talked her up as one of the best players ever, and the former winners that have read that assessment (people like Wendell, Adam, Sophie, etc.) will want to come at the queen.
Andy:
I too am starting to think that the former winners will be at a major disadvantage this season.
John:
Andy didn’t read all of my comment. It’s like being on a podcast with him.
Andy:
Honestly, that was a response to this entire thread.
Matt:
No no, Andy is right, I think 19 former winners will lose
John:
How can you say something so controversial, yet so brave?
Matt:
use the gif John!
Emma:
And make more work for him down the line?
John:
Emma gets me.
AdamB:
By the way, and I have no idea when this will be published, but I’m still hoping we get Love From Home during this repellent season just so Karishma’s husband can emerge from a thicket to relative silence.
Emma:
Hey, Karishma spoke kindly of him during the episode!
AdamB:
We know what she really thinks.
John:
Now when people read this, they’ll be able to place it in time.
AdamB:
well, to really date this: Chrissy Teigen and Jennifer Aniston are the most recent celebrities to cross the Brimley/Cocoon Line.
Emma:
Chrissy Teigen is 33!
John:
So was Brimley in Cocoon. He did not age well.
Emma:
Unless this is a Jeremy Bearimy thing and we exist in a time where Chrissy Teigen and Jennifer Aniston are both 50
Andy:
This is not true. (Well… Brimley the aging thing is true).
Teigen has passed the “George Wendt in Cheers” line.
John:
Also like Wendt, when she walks into Twitter everyone raises a glass and greets her.
Emma:
Norm was 33 in Cheers?!
Well I guess just the beginning. But still.
Mark:
Can’t tell if this makes me feel old or young.
ADS:
Just you wait you guys. The closer you get to the Brimley/Cocoon Line the more confusing it all is. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are older than me. Dan Foley is younger than me, as was Big Tom when All-Stars filmed.
Emma:
What I’m hearing here is that you’re old.
ADS:
Younger than Brad Pitt! Younger than Brad Pitt!
Saturday Night Palsy:
Hey, is this thing on? Can y’all hear me?
John:
Look at you, both adapting to new technology and not reading the rules I put at the start of the draft. (Editor’s note: The rule in this case was to keep your non-draft chatter out of the draft. Basically all the rules were “Make less work for John.”)
Emma:
Fuck that guy.
Matt:
I don’t know maybe SNP wanted that comment here
Emma:
Yeah, you’re making a lot of assumptions, John
Saturday Night Palsy:
You should have put that at the beginning of the first paragraph. I tl;dr you quite a bit. Even on the podcast I usually skip ahead to the shouting guy.
John:
Speaking of the shouting guy, I am hoping the clear sleeper of this draft- Probable Winner Adam- falls to me with the last pick.
Saturday Night Palsy:
Not if I can help it! I’ll probably grab him in the third round if he’s still available.
Barbara:
So, who’s up?
Matt:
You
Barbara:
Oh…
Well, I guess I have to think of someone who is a threat but not a high target, good at challenges, and good at strategy. That is why I’m taking my last name twinny, Natalie Anderson
John:
Is your name not Barbara Klein?
Barbara:
If only
Emma:
Adam’s not married, right? Could be someday.
Barbara:
In your dreams
Matt:
Why would that be in Emma’s dreams?
Emma:
I just want everyone to be happy.
Barbara:
That was supposed to be a response to John because John doesn’t want Adam or nick
Emma:
Sounds fake but okay.
Barbara:
But it’s true
Saturday Night Palsy:
I just wanna live in a world where Emma dreams about Barbara being married to Adam.
Emma:
Well now you do.
Barbara:
Let’s all dream a bit higher please
Emma:
No.
You can’t control my dreams, this isn’t Inception.
Barbara:
Do you want me to turn this draft around
Because…I can?
Emma:
No, Matt’s the one who will turn it around.
That’s how snake drafts work.
Barbara:
Oh yeah
It’s only been two months since I have done one. Trust me, I always get confused by how it works
Saturday Night Palsy:
So now I can’t see any of the old stuff prior to Emma saying “Well now you do”. What gives?
Matt:
Try to keep scrolling up? It takes a second to load
Saturday Night Palsy:
Okay, now it works. But the clock at the top of my phone still blinks “12:00” all the time.
Andy:
Have you tried putting tape over it?
Barbara
Have you tried turning off your phone and turning it back on again?
Saturday Night Palsy
Turn it off and on? That sounds like witchcraft.
Barbara
Well
Hello
Mark:
Hate to interrupt this episode of The Screen Savers (or is it The Bachelor?), but I think it’s my turn.
Matt:
It is, so pick
Mark:
I’m thinking!
Mark:
Since ADS took my initial pick of Kim, I’m going to go with someone who may be underrated going into this game. Someone without a lot of Big Movez who could skate by a pre-merge bloodbath while also getting me some points down the line with immunities. Someone like…Ethan.
Think about it: vaguely athletic, and enjoys the game, but not caught up in the Galaxy Brain era. You can say that Wigglesworth proves that old school can’t hack it, but I don’t believe she ever cared about Survivor enough to play hard. It’s in Ethan’s blood. He’s a competitor and a literal survivor. (And if he is voted out early…well, so was Chris and he won season 38.)
ADS
Oh dip! I forgot about EoE.
Barbara
Yeah, eoe is going to be a big factor here
Mark:
I am skeptical this group would award the EoE returnee a win after watching last season, however.
Barbara
Maybe
Emma:
Count me in as someone who forgot that EoE was in play this season. Alas.
But! With that in mind, I want someone who isn’t going to necessarily be seen as a threat, but who is in fact very knowledgeable about the game. Someone who has matured since they last played, but will still have youth on their side. A player with experience regarding a similar twist, and has shown herself to be a clutch challenger performer when it matters most.
I pick Sophie.
Am I already second-guessing myself? Yes.
John:
I’m first-guessing you.
Mark:
I don’t think that’s a bad pick at all.
Emma:
Am I still annoyed that AdamB took my top choice? Also yes.
John:
Adam was RIGHT THERE.
Emma:
YOU ARE RUINING MY TIMING.
John:
Yeah, Mark! Rude.
Matt:
First rule of fantasy drafting, step on each other’s jokes
Andy:
Do I think he’s going to win? No. Do I think he’ll last long enough in the active portion of the game to rack up points? Probably not. But, we all have our parts to play in this little drama called life, and I know mine. This draft is being published and thus is at least partially an entertainment product. I know what the people want, and I shall give to them. Give me Boston Rob.
I won this league with my second round pick anyway.
Matt:
yessssssss
Emma:
That’s our boy.
Matt:
He did it!
Emma:
I’m so happy.
Matt:
I am glad that both John and Andy have lived up to their true selves with their picks
John:
We are nothing if not parodies of ourselves.
Emma:
Makes me feel cowardly for not playing my part.
But then again, Cochran isn’t playing this season, so what can you do?
John:
Also, I legitimately think that if Boston Rob were to ever have a shot at winning an all winners season, this is roughly what the cast would need to look like.
Mark:
I would have picked Cochran before you, Emma.
(TBH I wish Todd Herzog was playing.)
Andy:
Probably for the best that he isn’t.
Emma:
Wow Mark.
Even in a hypothetical, how dare you?
John:
History’s greatest monster, this guy.
Mark:
Again, we all play our parts.
Emma:
Just know if they do an “all funny people season” and someone besides me drafts Courtney Yates, there will be hell to pay.
Mark:
Oh I know my limits. You’ve called Courtney for 5 years now.
Saturday Night Palsy:
A lot of good players still out there.
Matt:
But it is Jersey Luck’s pick now!
So don’t go jumping the gun SNP
Saturday Night Palsy:
Yeah. I know. But I’m next.
Matt:
Well as long as you refuse to pick someone I want to pick I suppose we could allow that
Saturday Night Palsy:
Who were you going to pick?
Matt:
I’ll tell you after you pick if you don’t pick them
John:
I’ll spoil it: Matt’s going to take Adam. So if you really want to stick it to him…
Saturday Night Palsy:
WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS! HA HA!
Matt:
I could not possibly deprive you of Adam, John
Saturday Night Palsy:
The thing is, who’s gonna take Ben or Nick before Adam?
John:
A fool, that’s who.
JerseyLuck:
Guess who just got the link to this draft: it’s me, your boy JerseyLuck.
Having read a confusing amount of messages, checking to see if my pick was taken yet.
John:
Let’s not go around pointing fingers about who may or may not have forgotten to send you the login information until about 15 minutes ago.
JerseyLuck:
And guess what he is still on the board.
Matt:
The suspense is killing me
John:
JerseyLuck:
So to keep my gimmick alive I am going to draft my fellow New Jerseyian homeboy/champion: Tony!
Matt:
Tony! Tony! Tony!
Saturday Night Palsy:
He should be good for a point.
JerseyLuck:
Welcome to JerseyLuck empire, Tony! May you find a lot of idols and not flame out in a week
Saturday Night Palsy:
Okay, now it’s time to kick this draft into overdrive!
Matt:
Maximum overdrive?
John:
mADAMimum overdrive?
Matt:
That didn’t even make sense John!
John:
It made less sense when I capitalized the first M and it said MADAMimum overdrive.
Saturday Night Palsy:
Just regular overdrive.
JerseyLuck:
Are we going to hit Adam with a Green Goblin truck?
Andy:
This is all gonna be so hilarious when Adam wins.
Matt:
If John wins with Adam I want him to confront the fact that he is rooting for Adam
Emma:
Didn’t we try this method before? I can’t remember who we wanted John to end up with.
Andy:
Emma, it’s impossible that we’d rehash a tired old bit.
Matt:
So what is the overdrive pick SNP?
JerseyLuck:
Which dud will John get stuck with, is going to be my favorite thing about this draft.
Matt:
My reaction to John’s second pick
I just realized there is no way a gif is showing up when we have this on the website
Emma:
I addressed that earlier. Smh.
Matt:
I forgot overnight!
Saturday Night Palsy:
I wanted Tyson but that door was closed a long time ago. I want a good competitor which is tough with an older group. I’m afraid that some contestants may not stick around on EoE if they’re sent there (I don’t think Yul will). So I think I’m gonna pick…
I think I’ll go with Jeremy Collins. He’s still fighting those fires. He’s still got four kids to feed. And I think he’ll score me lots of points. I also think I had him both times he’s played before.
Matt:
Jeremy is a good pick
He was in my top three remaining
Which makes my next two picks very easy!
Saturday Night Palsy:
But not your top two.
Emma:
Jeremy’s also got the poker connection with Tyson, Rob, and I believe Kim! Good pick.
John:
Rob/Amber/Tyson/Jeremy/Sandra/Kim feels like a pretty likely alliance.
Assuming they last long enough to unite.
Saturday Night Palsy:
Like a sexy Voltron!
Emma:
Therein lies the problem.
John:
Sexy Voltron is a problem?
Emma:
Stupid sexy voltron
Matt:
Is this implying that original Voltron wasn’t sexy?
Emma:
I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum, but…
Saturday Night Palsy
If you’re into “boxy”.
Emma:
I like my curves at 90 degrees.
Matt:
All I know is when I first saw this cast list there was one person I looked at and said, there goes a winner. When people win all-stars seasons they usually aren’t the biggest names coming into the season, and the jury can get pretty rancorous, so it’s important to be someone who the jury can still like even if they have been betrayed by them. And in my opinion, one of the best ever at soothing people’s egos and building a rapport with other contestants is Denise. Denise is winning this season. You’ve heard it here first
Emma:
She was of course on my short list. I don’t hate the pick! I worry a little bit about age, but it is an older season.
Matt:
But because I have two picks, I will succumb to my heart instead of my head and pick Yul, probably my favorite Survivor player ever, and someone I never thought we’d see again. He’s got it all from a Survivor perspective, brains, brawn and beauty
Saturday Night Palsy:
Jesus! Denise is the only one older than me!
Emma:
Well according to our commenters, 37 is old for Survivor.
And if you’re old for Survivor, you’re just plan old.
Take that, forty-somethings.
JerseyLuck:
Now it is time for Palsy to take a swing.
Matt:
Denise last played 7 years ago, and was more than holding her own from a physical perspective then. I bet there are plenty of weaker survivors out there, and few that can match her in other areas. Also Denise is just 4 years older than Rob
Saturday Night Palsy:
I still have sexy Voltron in my head.
Emma:
Denise is for sure a beast. I think we all know I love Denise.
You know who else I love? Yul!
John:
Ah. I was gonna guess Sexy Voltron.
Emma:
I believe it’s been established that I’m against Sexy Voltron.
Saturday Night Palsy:
Have you seen the maid from the Jetsons?
Roawr!
Boxy!
JerseyLuck:
Well Emma what is your viewpoint on sexy Bumblebee on Transformers?
Emma:
I have none.
John:
Top 5 sexiest pop culture robots: Go!
Emma:
Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina
Andy:
Michael Fassbender in the Alien sequels
John:
Terminator from Terminator
JerseyLuck:
Cyborg from the Teen Titans.
Matt:
Is Cyborg a robot?
isn’t he a … cyborg?
Andy:
Only half
But… it’s the robot parts that are sexy
Siri… you know I’m right
JerseyLuck:
That why Cyborg is number 5 on the list of sexy robots. There isn’t enough robot there.
Saturday Night Palsy:
Is it weird if I say Twiki from Buck Rogers?
Matt:
It isn’t weird because no one else knows who Twiki is
AdamB:
Ahem
Beedee beedee
John:
Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, guys.
Oh. Spoiler alert? I guess?
Matt:
I mean if we are talking BSG we are talking 6
Saturday Night Palsy:
Okay, time to shelve the robophilia. I’m about to kick this draft into Maximum Overdrive!
John:
mADAMum overdrive
Saturday Night Palsy:
That makes less sense than before.
John:
Maximum OvADAMerdrive
Saturday Night Palsy:
I think it’s nap time, John.
Andy:
I’m starting to think that John wants to get Adam. This is clearly reverse psychology.
Emma:
John hates briar patches.
JerseyLuck:
Well if Adam gets picked than the last person who gets picked will probably be Ben. And Ben probably gets more points than Adam.
Barbara:
I suspect there is another one on the board but I think Adam could do well with his cast because he doesn’t steal the shine
Matt:
Shine stealing only matters for those who don’t believe they are entitled to shine. A lot of this cast thinks they are gonna get shine no matter what
Barbara:
But there is still another half that might try to pull the gambit
Saturday Night Palsy:
The problem with returnee seasons is that previous winners ALWAYS get targeted. So I asked myself “Palsy, what are you gonna do with all these winners this season?” The answer surprised even me! You go with the only non-winner in the bunch! I’m choosing Michele Something as my second pick.
JerseyLuck:
You son of a bitch!
Matt:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
JerseyLuck:
I was going to pick Michele next!
Barbara:
Ah, yes, the screw Probst pick
Emma:
Or the screw Matt pick
Barbara:
It can be two things
Saturday Night Palsy:
What can I say? I wanted someone who doesn’t move to the beat of just one drum.
JerseyLuck:
In Michele’s words.
Saturday Night Palsy:
My job here is done.
And you just witnessed MAXIMUM Overdrive!
Emma:
Reminder that gifs will not translate when this is published
JerseyLuck:
<Note in previous gif that I published there was a gif of Michelle saying F*** You>
I doing my part here Emma.
Emma:
Profanity, on the other hand, is totally allowed.
John:
Profanity, for instance, like “I totally fucking regret not fucking picking Adam.”
Saturday Night Palsy:
Wait, does that mean that the PRP commentators won’t get to see that earlier gif of sexy Voltron? It seems so unfair!
Barbara:
You can always share it in the comments
Saturday Night Palsy:
It’s too sexy for the comments.
JerseyLuck:
I will gladly spam some gifs of Michele’s famous puzzle kicking moment when this get published.
Like this one:
Michele kicks a puzzle.gif
(Editor’s note: No.)
Saturday Night Palsy:
That’s like me kicking down the competition!
JerseyLuck:
<Note that gif above was the moment of Michelle kicking the puzzle during the final immunity challenge of Koah Rong>
Emma:
I feel like they’d be able to piece that one together.
Andy:
Emma doesn’t even know that she punned.
Emma:
It was definitely unintentional.
Barbara:
Don’t take her down a peg, andy.
Emma:
No, Andy understands me.
Andy:
She HATES puns.
Emma:
I do.
Andy:
So we try to do them often.
Oh shit. Barbara also punned.
Emma:
Yeah, it sucked.
Saturday Night Palsy:
But they’re a PUNdemental part of conversation!
Emma:
:expressionless:
Mark:
See what I have to deal with, people?
Emma:
But what about what I have to deal with?
You.
Mark:
Humor? Fun?
Emma:
Where?
Barbara:
Here with us
Emma:
I don’t see it.
Andy:
Y’all are starting to experience Slack Emma. And starting to realize she’s the worst of all of us.
Emma:
Make actual jokes and not groan-worthy “wordplay” and we won’t have a problem.
Barbara:
Are you waving your flag in defeat, Emma?
Emma:
I have no idea why you’d think that, Barbara.
Barbara:
I don’t know. Maybe you thought we would kick this slack up a notch.
JerseyLuck:
Alright, I think I have recovered enough from my gimmick being broken. I am ready to start hyping up my next pick.
John:
Already
Dreaming
About
Mvictory
Emma:
Always
Draft
Adam
Mlast
John:
Anyone
Dreading
Another
Munfortunatedraftpick?
JerseyLuck:
There are still legends on the board, guys. We have Sandra, Sarah and my next pick still on the board.
Barbara:
Sarah is a legend to you?
Emma:
Legendarily BORING
JerseyLuck:
For the purposes of this hyping, yes!
Barbara:
I mean president Sarah is fun
John:
Is she?
Emma:
But not who Sarah votes for president.
Barbara:
She’s more fun to laugh at, sure, but she is the reason why that Cagayan merge happened the way it did
JerseyLuck:
She went to final tribal twice, is one of Probst’s favorite players of all-time, and is the reason why women are targeted for being social with anyone.
Welcome to JerseyLuck alliance Parvati.
Emma:
YOU MOTHER FUCKER
NOOOOOOOOO
Saturday Night Palsy:
I’d have gone with Michele if I were you.
JerseyLuck:
Yeah, it is not fun when it is on the other foot Emma!
Emma:
No one got upset about my pick.
If it’s not in the slack it doesn’t count!
JerseyLuck:
Palsy, you have unintentionally freed from my bonds! Now you must suffer for it!
John:
Ok, Andy has an opportunity here.
JerseyLuck:
Alright, if you want to continue to make Emma suffer go on ahead.
John:
There’s actually two potential options for Andy here, both of them great.
Saturday Night Palsy:
For Adam?
JerseyLuck:
Will Andy be on 1600 Gimmick Street this season?
John:
Andy
Doesn’t
Acknowledge
Mgreatness
Emma:
Someday we’ll figure out the M
Saturday Night Palsy:
Mediocrity?
Barbara:
It will have to be soon, right?
JerseyLuck:
M could stand for Magic!
And as child shows starting ponies have shown, the true magic is friendship!
Andy:
Since some Survivor fans are definitely not sports fans, I want to explain a common fantasy drafting strategy:
In Fantasy Football, there’s a strategy called “handcuffing”. It’s when you draft a stud running back, sure in part because of his own skills, but as any nerd on the internet will tell you “RBs don’t matter”. So what you’re really drafting for is the offense they play in.
But because football is a dangerous sport, you protect yourself by drafting their back-up.
With that in mind, I think the most prudent thing for me is to protect my investment and complete Team Mariano. Welcome to the squad Ambuh!
Barbara:
Amber was on my radar
Emma:
Hell yes.
Incredible.
Mark:
YESSSS
John:
Perfect.
JerseyLuck:
YEAAAAH!
Barbara:
Also, wonderful team
John:
The only other option was Sandra to form Team Giant Wooden Heads.
Because I don’t want you to draft Adam, and thus have the winner on your team.
Emma:
Well, it will be tough to top the glory of Team Mariano, so I’m unable to do anything splashy. AdamB and JerseyLuck have both taken my favorite hotties away from me. Matt got my sentimental faves.
Typically I like to have my fantasy teams split by both gender and tribe, but the options there are grim.
JerseyLuck:
Are you saying that Ben, Adam, and Nick are bad picks, Emma?
Emma:
Indeed.
John:
Blasphemy.
Emma:
I will still divide by tribe because I think that’s the way to go. I’m looking for someone who I think can sneak by and last a while, perhaps winning some challenges along the way. Perhaps the other players will even forget she’s there due to bigger fish to fry.
No one will worry about connections from prior seasons, because no original cast member from this season has ever returned.
With my second pick, I am selecting Danni Boatwright.
Saturday Night Palsy:
Who?
Emma:
Exactly, SNP.
Matt:
Is she funny or something?
Barbara:
Dan I was also on my radar
Danni
Andy:
That’s not getting edited
Barbara:
I kinda figured it wouldn’t be. Curse autocorrect!
JerseyLuck:
Gary Hawkins, landscaper, approves your choice!
Gary Hogeboom, NFL quarterback, has never meet Danni and is wondering why you are asking him.
Matt:
It will be much less exciting when Danni recognizes someone this season
Andy:
It’ll be great when she doesn’t though
John:
Less exciting sure, but possibly equally as surprising.
Mark:
I guess I’m up. I too will honor the tribe split. That leaves me with Sandra (love her, but no chance), Sarah, or Nick.
Saturday Night Palsy:
Has Natalie been picked?
Emma:
Yes
We have a chart, dude.
John:
Saturday Night Palsy:
I can’t scroll up there anymore!
JerseyLuck:
He updated with every pick, Palsy!
Barbara:
Yeah, I wonder what kind of witch would have picked Natalie
JerseyLuck:
It was Matt, wasn’t it!
Barbara:
Yeap, you nailed it
Saturday Night Palsy:
I was focused on team MAXIMUM Overdrive.
And distracted by sexual Voltron.
Thanks, autocorrect.
JerseyLuck:
Stop trying to bang robots, Palsy!
Saturday Night Palsy:
It’s kinda what they were designed for…
Mark:
The last time Sarah won, it was after a bunch of big names and winners got knocked out early and she steamrolled all the C-listers. So it’s not unreasonable that the exact same thing could happen here. With so many big names, I doubt recency bias will be strong this time. What will be strong is someone who can make friendships when everyone’s #2 gets taken out. I’m going to complete my middle-of-the-road team with a social complement to Ethan’s physical game and pick…Nick.
Matt:
I did not see that coming
Emma:
Daaaaamn
Saturday Night Palsy:
What?
John:
HE SAID NICK.
Mark, type louder. SNP can’t hear you.
Saturday Night Palsy:
I’M ELDERLY!
Andy:
We need the 59-point type
Barbara:
Wow
Mark:
I’m trying to get points! Not be a decent human being!
(We all know I’m already the best of these guys.)
Emma:
lol okay dude
Matt:
Mark don’t make us break slack code
Mark:
YOU WOULD NEVER.
Barbara:
Isn’t publishing this breaking slack code?
Emma:
No. You were informed in advance.
Barbara:
Gotcha
John:
Yeah, breaking of Slack code would be mutually assured destruction.
Andy:
It’s like recording a conversation.
Matt:
Does slack require one party consent or two party consent? This is a joke only lawyers would get, so me and Adam. John thinks he gets it, but he doesn’t
JerseyLuck:
My biggest regret will be that the people won’t be able to John’s increasingly desperate charts for people to pick Adam!
Emma:
Hmm, good point JerseyLuck. John, you should mix those in to break up the wall of text.
(Editor’s note: My “players still available” charts were in another channel while we did this draft to avoid draft channel clutter. But because the people demanded it…)
Barbara:
Is it my turn?
Matt:
yes
Barbara:
Alright, so I need someone who has experience finding idols
Someone who has played in Fiji
Emma:
Earl isn’t on this season.
Barbara:
Someone who is not exactly a challenge person, but can be with the right challenge
JerseyLuck:
Maybe you need someone who was on an Island of Idols?
Saturday Night Palsy:
Ben?
Emma:
Let her say it, SNP.
Barbara:
Maybe I need to hit the emergency button because much like my avatar, it’s time for the queen
Saturday Night Palsy:
It could be Adam.
Emma:
Queen Adam
Saturday Night Palsy:
He has the vocals of Freddy Mercury.
Matt:
That is Adam Lambert you are thinking of SNP
Emma:
Wow, amazed Matt knows that.
Barbara:
Welcome to my team, Sandra Diaz-Twine
Andy:
JerseyLuck:
But how can she do well in Fiji without the jester that is JT.
John:
Emma:
YOU FORGOT DANNI AGAIN
Barbara:
Full disclosure: Ben was my back-up pick
Matt:
Emma he is filling in for the lead singer of a classic rock band, of course I know that
Emma:
True.
Barbara:
Is that just standard boomer knowledge?
Saturday Night Palsy:
Not old enough to be a boomer.
Emma:
Savage
Barbara:
I thought everyone older than me was a boomer. Is that not how boomers work?
Emma:
Matt’s on the cusp of Millennial!
Saturday Night Palsy:
Matt’s neither/nor.
Mark:
Matt is Gen Eh?
Emma:
no that’s Andy
Matt:
As determined by Millennials vs Gen X I am perfectly in between those two age groups
Emma:
Just like Ken!
Saturday Night Palsy:
A nobody.
Barbara:
If only Ken won his season
Emma:
You are not like Ken in other ways.
Matt:
Geez Emma
JerseyLuck:
But are you as pretty as Ken?
Emma:
No one is.
Barbara:
Welcome to the hating Matt section of the draft
Emma:
Section?
Matt:
Yeah where did this come from? All I did was win the draft early and then make fun of every other pick?
Barbara:
Exactly
Saturday Night Palsy:
Who hates Graphic designers?
JerseyLuck:
I mean it is only fair to hate on Matrk, he is taking two slots in the draft.
Emma:
I do like your team a lot, Matt.
Mark:
You didn’t say me/we couldn’t game the system!
Matt:
Thank you Emma, you have a perfectly cromulent team too
Saturday Night Palsy:
And you have an awesome pillow.
Barbara:
Welcome to the praising Matt section of the draft
Emma:
Hmmm, I like this less.
Barbara:
Yeah, but Matt’s team is pretty good
JerseyLuck:
Now it is time for some Dragon Slayer action. But Coach was too busy to be here, so he sent his Assistant Dragon Slayer to draft for him.
ADS:
Jesus, can’t a guy wait until 10:00am Pacific to check the Slack channel without mayhem breaking out?
- Elizabeth Hurley in the second Austin Powers movie
- Jude Law in AI
- 6 is a tad overrated. Don’t sleep on Boomer
- Kelley LeBrock in Weird Science (possibly my GenX-est reference ever on PRP)
- Janet.
Matt:
No
Emma:
Also it’s almost 11
JerseyLuck:
East Coast is best coast.
Emma:
Well that’s obviously not true, it doesn’t even rhyme.
Andy:
Mountain time is Fountain time… that didn’t work.
JerseyLuck
If it helps you have enough time to read what you missed.
Like I had to because somebody forgot to send me information to get on this slack.
Matt:
Whoever did that is a truly horrible person and deserves to be stuck with his least favorite Survivor as his second pick
JerseyLuck
But <insert terrible person from previous seasons> isn’t competing on this season.
John:
Assistant
Dragonslayer
Acing
Mthisdraft
ADS:
We all know about Sarah’s reprehensible politics. Hard pass. That leaves me with a choice between a white ex-soldier living in Idaho and liberal homeless shelter manager who lives five miles from me and whom I’ve met in real life. I’ll take Ben
John:
Matt:
This is so enjoyable
Emma:
I’m sure Ben’s politics are just so much better.
John:
Right?
JerseyLuck:
Well maybe Adam will pick his namesake.
Emma:
But obviously worth the gimmick.
Matt:
Adams of a feather stick together
John:
AdamB
Dpicking
Adam
Mneedstofuckinghappen
JerseyLuck:
Also. you forgot to mark Danni as picked. AGAIN! You deserve the Adam about to get dropped on to you.
AdamB:
That escalated quickly. My love for Danni is well-known for those who’ve listened to my podcast cameos. Alas.
So my choices are Adam and who?
Emma:
Well my love for Wendell is well-known, so karma.
John:
Also, I don’t see why you need another name past Adam. Why sell past the close?
Emma:
I believe Sarah is the other option.
Since Nick was shockingly already drafted.
ADS:
Oh, I just realized that I totally and deliberately chose Ben to adhere to Emma’s dictum of splitting your picks by tribe and gender.
JerseyLuck:
It is between Adam and Sarah, who while she is boring played an amazing game in Game Changers.
AdamB:
Yes, she did. I will gladly take Sarah.
Emma:
WE DID IT, EVERYONE!
Matt:
We did it everyone!
Emma:
awww
Mark:
HUZZAH!
JerseyLuck:
Congrats on your pick AdamB.
This was fun!
Emma:
Sarah’s probably a bit of a steal, but we just wouldn’t want to admit it.
John:
I’ll take…is Danni still available?
Matt:
Check the chart John
Saturday Night Palsy:
Is stupid sexy Voltron still available?
John:
Updated availability chart:
ADS:
Adam
Dmight
Actually win
Mbut the burn is totally worth it
Emma:
Tyson and Adam is a hilarious team. What wildly different personalities.
John:
As in “has one” and “doesn’t”, Emma?
Mark:
Whatever, you wanted this.
Matt:
Actually Mark I think I was the one who wanted this so thank you to everyone for obliging me
JerseyLuck:
You just A-Bombed John.
Saturday Night Palsy:
It’s a shame that nobody else is gonna read this entire thing.
John:
It’s a shame this draft never happened and we’ll do the REAL draft some other time.
Barbara:
USA! USA!
Also, if we can’t just get do-overs on seasons, we certainly can’t for drafts.
JerseyLuck:
It has been a pleasure to draft to with my people from my favorite podcast. Thanks for having me Infinity Stone Podcast. Weird how we didn’t talk about the MCU tho.
ADS:
Is trading allowed? Because if I knew we were all just going to pick our spirit animal in Round 1 I would have taken Denise. Matt, you can have Ben.
Matt:
I’m good
Andy:
I think Adam and Tyson are poker buddies. This was all fixed.
Saturday Night Palsy:
Sounds believable. Sadly it’s not
Barbara:
On the record, I do like Adam. But man, screwing over John was just so appealing.
Emma:
It always is.
Draft summary
If you somehow lost track of the teams through the nearly 7000 words above, here’s how the draft went:
- John- Tyson
- Adam B- Wendell
- Assistant Dragon Slayer- Kim
- Barbara Anderson- Natalie
- Mark- Ethan
- Emma- Sophie
- Andy- Boston Rob
- Jersey Luck- Tony
- Saturday Night Palsy- Jeremy
- Matt- Denise
- Matt- Yul
- Saturday Night Palsy- Michele
- Jersey Luck- Parvati
- Andy- Amber
- Emma- Danni
- Mark- Nick
- Barbara Anderson- Sandra
- Assistant Dragon Slayer- Ben
- Adam B- Sarah
- John- Adam
Or, if you prefer it in team form:
John– Tyson and Adam
Adam B– Wendell and Sarah
Assistant Dragon Slayer– Kim and Ben
Barbara Anderson– Natalie and Sandra
Mark– Ethan and Nick
Emma– Sophie and Danni
Andy– Boston Rob and Amber, the full Romber
Jersey Luck– Tony and Parvati
Saturday Night Palsy– Jeremy and Michele
Matt– Denise and Yul
John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He can get loud too, what the fuck!
Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Cambodia