Rob Has a Podcast– the second-greatest Survivor podcast on the internet- crowns a Miss and Mr. Survivor every year (with “every” meaning this one and last one in the case of Mr. Survivor). It’s a pageant that pulls its candidate pool from the two Survivor seasons that aired in the most recent calendar year. This post is provided to help you, the voters, determine the most deserving candidate.

The 2015 Mr. Survivor race was always going to be Spencer versus two guys competing for second place. But the group of candidates have fit together well, and their willingness to playfully joke with each other- unlike the Miss Survivor candidates, who in the past few days have moved on from playful hate into something resembling actual hate- made the debate round an entertaining listen. Below, I break down their performance in a very scientific manner.

Hate game:

Tony: Tony showed some texts from “Spencer” that may or may not have been falsified, indicating that Spencer was duping the fans into voting for him. And after seeing the jazz club posters behind Jeremy, he asks, “Are you running for Mr. Jazz Club?”

Jeremy: After Tony pulls out his “bag of tricks”, Jeremy asks, “Are there votes in there? Because you’re gonna need them.”

Spencer: Spencer’s hate, what little there was, was entirely directed Malcolm, the current Mr. Survivor. Spencer’s unwillingness to sink to negative campaigning is disappointing.

Winner: Tony, even though his fake texts with Spencer were too transparently forged. Anyone that has ever interacted with Tony online knows that for every sentence you send to Tony, he sends 25-30 in response.

Hashtag game:

Twitter is an almost-completely useless waste of time. This makes it a perfect forum for the Mr. Survivor contest. Each candidate was asked to hashtag his own Mr. Survivor campaign.

Jeremy: #BaRHAPObama

Tony: #TeamTV

Spencer: #GilmoreGirls4Life #SpenceRHAP

Winner: Jeremy. Well done, sir. Wordplay gets me every time. Although it’s always entertained me that Tony’s hashtag could be stating support for either television or transvestites.

Pandering that definitely worked on me:

Tony: Tony wants to work with any Miss Survivor, but the way he said that- “Queen with a crown that be down for whatever”- is what sold it. I did not picture Tony as a Method Man fan.

Jeremy: Openly mocked his own castmates from San Juan del Sur by saying “I’m not just going to show up, like people in my cast, to just show up to a game.”

Spencer: Convincing Tony to run for Mr. Survivor is all I needed in terms of pandering.

Winner: Spencer. The Young Lad came through for us all by convincing Tony to get in the game.

Campaign promises:

Tony: Tony will share his Survivor application video and give you tips on your own video if he’s voted Mr. Survivor. If Tony actually follows through, this could be entertaining; there are some terribly boring people who will send him their stupid videos and ask for tips. Tony reviewing their videos should be its own show/podcast.

Spencer: If you’re at all familiar with Rob Has a Podcast, you knew Spencer would come prepared with campaign promises that would please the voters. He’s going to lobby to get a live podcast in Chicago, where he can invite the other Chicago-area Survivors (Tasha, J’Tia, maybe Alexis?) to get involved. He’s also promised a Gilmore Girls podcast, which probably appeals to someone that is cooler or more ironic than I am. And of course he’s going to do more with the Mr. Survivor championship belt than Malcolm ever did. Again, Spencer knows the crowd he’s talking to.

Jeremy: Offered to try and get a New England Patriots player to appear on the show, and says that unlike Tony he is already helping fans by critiquing their videos. He’ll also happily work with the Miss Survivor candidates from his season- Natalie and Kelley, who both endorsed him- if he wins.

Winner: Realistically, it’s Spencer. This category could have just been called the Spencer Category for best Spencering. But I really want to see Tony judge the Survivor application videos of some random weirdos.

RC potential:

Reminder: RC is without a doubt the worst ever Miss Survivor. Not only is she the worst Miss Survivor, she’s also just plain the worst. She won Miss Survivor in an election that some- like me, right now- say was rigged. (You expect me to believe she won a fair election against Kim “Survivor Goddess” Spradlin? Get the fuck out of here.) She then proceeded to never appear again on Rob’s podcast or promote it in any way.

Spencer: Get the fuck out of here. Spencer is to RC as RC is to decent human being.

Tony: Sadly, there’s a decent chance that Tony wins the belt and then goes silent. The man has two very young kids. Trust me, he won’t have time to do shit. However, nothing motivates Tony like love from fans, and we may be able to get at least one more Tony appearance on a podcast if he wins the title.

Jeremy: Not quite on the Spencer level, but I don’t see Jeremy disappearing.

Winner: Spencer. It would take a restraining order to keep him away from the Survivor community.

So who wins the coveted Purple Rock Podcast endorsement? Unlike Miss Survivor, this one is an easy choice. Fuck the categories above, I’ll vote for anything that brings more Tony Vlachos into my life. #TeamTV, baby!