Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particular attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up.

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.

“A coffee reward? That’s like diarrhea city.” – Dawn Meehan, Survivor: Caramoan

Some episodes of Survivor can be boring and predictable. This one was not that. This one was so exciting that it makes me want to dance!

Ok, I got that out of my system. I feel better now. Though you’re lucky that I’m even taking the time this week to discuss the Survivor failures, because the new Brooks Brothers catalog just arrived and I’m really anxious to flip through it.

The thrill of defeat

It’s time to get to the good stuff: the bad stuff. So let’s take a walk down Traumatic Memory Lane and see who wins the Dead Fishy this week.

Nominee #1: Kelly Wiglesworth

“Hey Wiglesworth, you remember this challenge? The one with the raft?”

“It was a challenge where you had to paddle fast. And you were a river guide at the time. And even though paddling fast would actually make you a really shitty river guide unless you didn’t want the people you were guiding to see anything you were pointing out to them, it was still totally hilarious that you got out-paddled.”

“Ok.”

“Gervase beat you! And he can’t swim. Which, sure, is totally unrelated to paddling. But that’s not the point. REMEMBER IT, KELLY! BE SAD! Would winning this help erase the memory of losing to Gervase 15 years ago?”

“Nah. Not watching Survivor does.”

Nominee #2: Men

Jeremy: I had to get my immunity idol in front of 18 people at a challenge. I just can’t see Kelley doing it.

Spencer: Do we want to think about splitting? Because I really don’t think she has an idol.

Joe: I don’t think so either.

*Ten minutes later*

Nominee #3: Stephen Fishbach

Joe is your white whale, and you started the episode caught in a fishing net.

I’m actually starting to wonder if appearing remotely competent at anything on this season of Survivor is Fishbach’s white whale. Each time I think we’ve hit rock bottom and there’s nowhere to go but up with Stephen, Survivor reminds me that it could always be worse.

But now I’m starting to wonder if these things are all just superfan Stephen Fishbach doing homages to previous players:

• Fishbach loses within the first 5 seconds of a challenge? Shout out to Crystal Cox!
• Challenge loser Fishbach confidently dances his way through a gross food-eating challenge? Holla back, John Cochran!
• Stephen can’t stop crying and he doesn’t even know why? This one’s for you, Dawn Meehan!

HOWEVER, if this theory is true that means that Stephen has now stooped to shouting out Dan Foley.

As punishment for this grave offense, Fishbach and his crew lost the reward challenge and thus the coffee and pastry reward. Which is bad. Not as bad, though, as sitting in the shelter and telling everyone else that you would rather be discussing strategy with the people at the Diarrhea City Cafe. Which is what Stephen did. After all, nothing says “social game” quite like implying, “I’m stuck here with you losers.”

Nominee #4: Keith Nale

Ciera: Ok, while we have a few minutes before the explosive diarrhea sets in, can we talk…

…about strategy?

Nominee #5: Decorum 

“Dear Federal Communication Commission,

I am writing to you to express my outrage at what I have just witnessed on the television. (Actually, I call it the demon box that shows moving pictures, but I figure you people call it by its technical name.) I was watching CBS, as all old people are legally required to do, and I saw your new program. I believe it was called How To Get Away With Murdering Civility.

I’m sorry, I believe I just fainted for a brief spell after documenting that vulgarity for you. I demand that you take this filth off the air and replace it with Tom Selleck intently staring into the camera for an hour.

Sincerely,

Some old lady”

Nominee #6: Flying under the radar

Hey, remember when a certain subset of Survivor fandom was very angry about the possibility of Kelley Wentworth getting voted onto this season? Bland, blonde Kelley was going to go out there and be invisible and steal away a spot from someone more deserving, like a Clippers cheerleader. Remember when they were calling her K***** W********?

WHO’S UNDER THE RADAR NOW, BITCH?

Nominee #7: Sober Andrew Savage

Sober Andrew Savage does things like question the ethics and loyalty of Stephen Fishbach, an esteemed member of one of America’s most beloved and respected professions: Survivor podcasting.

Sober Andrew Savage says things like, “I’m kinda used to getting what I want,” and enrages the internet by stating something that probably isn’t far from the truth.

Sober Andrew Savage does this:

Ok, Sober Andrew Savage isn’t all bad.

But Tipsy Andrew Savage does not approve of the actions of Sober Andrew Savage. Tipsy Andrew Savage has one of the most amazing Ponderosa videos of all time. Tipsy Andrew Savage wears a backwards hat and just wants to be the cool boss that has “a little rap session” with you about that project you’re working on. Tipsy Andrew Savage is out here on the beach, pounding some chardonnay and interjecting during Kass’ stories of the college crush she had on Sober Andrew Savage.

Nominee #8: Ciera Eastin

Ciera to Kelley: “I’m ok with (voting out) anybody as long as it isn’t me or you.”

That sentence clearly ran two words too long.

The agony of victory

Failure was such a collective effort this week that I have no choice but to award the Dead Fishy to the males- all of them. They each failed in their own particular fashion. And Wentworth made sure we’d see one less of them next week.