This season, I’ll be judging entire generations based on a random sample of Survivors. I’ll be paying particular attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up.

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockjohn.

“It’s like the cool kid lunch table back in high school, in that we’re peaking right now.” – Eddie Fox, owner of Bar(k)

Two episodes in, and already the Failure Tree is bearing fruit. Allow me to serve as your guide through the many deficiencies of these Survivor players. Keep in mind that my judgment is harsh only because I know that I, a blogger sipping on coffee while sitting at a keyboard, could do much better.

Ken

“I’m shy sometimes, and it’s something that’s plagued me my entire life.”

Look, I understand. I’d have trouble talking to people too if they were always staring at me and thinking I was incredibly handsome. So awkward!

I can only imagine what your social media must be like, Ken. People constantly ogling you and commenting on your body, even when you’re posting about spending time with your daughter. People jumping into conversations you’re having to tell you that you’re an idiot, with the implication being that you can’t be so pretty and also have intelligent thoughts. People sending you unsolicited nude pics just because they think you’re attractive. You’re probably being treated like some kind of…woman.

Ken also formed an alliance with David the Walking Panic Attack, a bond cemented by standing in the same pose side-by-side like the before and after pictures a personal trainer would use to attract new clients.

Then, having joined forces with The Awkard Nerd, Majestically Handsome Ken brings CeCe to his side. What is he, some kind of Adonis-bodied social justice warrior, using his sculpted abs to bring power to the disenfranchised? Is he specifically pandering to the Purple Rock audience?

Taylor, Figgy, Jay

The Tri-Force is the harmonious union of Power, Wisdom, and Courage. Or, in this case, the harmonious union of Horny, Pretty, and Third Wheel.

Figgy, who is Not Just a Pretty Face, has gotten close with Taylor. Well, as close as Figgy’s pretty face will allow. Because even though she’s more than a pretty face, it’s a very pretty face. And it can’t be ignored. You have to acknowledge it, even while acknowledging that there is much more to Figgy than her very pretty face.

Having a burgeoning romance, Taylor and Figgy could be a power couple. But it’s Taylor and Figgy, so just “a couple” is probably a more accurate descriptor.

Their alliance, as structured by Taylor and Figgy, includes Jay as the third member and Michelle as the fourth member. Fourth member of the Tri-Force. Instead, Michelle- a woman who adamantly believes there is a worldwide conspiracy to hide the existence of dragons- is the ringleader of the alliance.

Adam

I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE MORE OF ADAM’S PERMA-SCREAM CONFESSIONALS. IS HE HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS? I WON’T KNOW FOR SURE UNTIL HE SHOUTS THE ANSWER AT ME.

DID YOU KNOW THAT HE’S ON R/SURVIVOR? HE MENTIONS IT IN HIS “GET TO KNOW ADAM VIA HIM YELLING AT YOU” VIDEO. I WONDER HOW AGONIZING IT WAS FOR HIM TO WADE THROUGH THE OFFSEASON SHITPOSTS BEFORE THIS SEASON’S CAST WAS RELEASED.

David

What a growth arc for David! He went from covering his ears at the sounds of chopped bamboo to carrying a rock like a big strong manly man. Then he made friends with Handsome Wonderbeast Ken, and he was so excited that he decided to show Ken the vagina-shaped rock he’d found:

Not only that, but David’s team won the immunity challenge this week. And sure, he may have struggled immensely with his portion of the challenge. But to be fair, David struggles immensely with just about everything. So congratulations, David! Celebrate this win with your team.

Hang on. Zoom in on that a bit.

Look at him! He’s even scared of victory! Or celebration. Or hugs. Possibly all three.

Hannah

She took so long to vote that Jeff had to come check on her, like you do when your 4-year old has been on the toilet for too long and you’re verifying he didn’t shit out his intestines.

And the Dead Fishy goes to…

This is an easy one. Can you imagine if Phillip and Natalie had formed an alliance in Redemption Island and thought they were running the show? That’s Taylor and Figgy right now. And Hannah is Ralph, agonizing over how to spell their names.

Taylor and Figgy, this Dead Fishy is yours to share. May you continue to be awful at this game for weeks to come.