Did you finish our recent Heroes vs. Villains rewatch and think, “This season was great, but I wonder which Arrested Development characters these players most resemble?” Wonder no longer, my friends. 

In search of quality #offseasoncontent for you all, I reached out to fellow Arrested Development fan Martin “Redmond” Holmes of Inside Survivor to help determine the Heroes vs. Villains equivalents from the Arrested Development cast.

John:

Now the story of a sometimes-wealthy family, some of whom lost everything, and the one host who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Survivor: Arrested Development: Heroes vs. Villains!

Lot of colons in there.

Phrasing.

Martin:

I was humming the AD theme tune.

John:

Perfect musical accompaniment. Thank you!

Well if that intro wasn’t clear enough, we’re going to go through the entire Heroes vs. Villains cast and give their Arrested Development counterpart. And since we are both big Arrested Development fans and Survivor fans, no other duo could possibly be more qualified.

Do you want to start with the Heroes?

Martin:

Sure!

John:

Well let’s start with Sugar, then. And as a polite host, I’ll let you give the first nomination.

Martin:

Very kind. Sugar is clearly Kitty Sanchez. Mainly for one reason – flashing.

Although I suppose Sugar’s was unintentional flashing courtesy of Sandra.

John:

Right! Which is why I’m going with Annyong. Sugar was only around long enough to say hello (“annyong”), and she and Annyong both go by something other than their real names (Jessica/Hello).

Martin:

That’s pretty good. Although I feel that her night time cuddling/harassment of Colby also leans more towards Kitty and her Gob come-ons.

John:

But Kitty went after the old man with the money. If Sugar did the same, she would have been cuddling up with Rupert.

Martin:

Good point. Speaking of Rupert, who have you got for him?

John:

Gene Parmesan. He’s not very good at his job (if you call Survivor his job, which you should), and he’s beloved by old ladies who think he really is good at it.

Martin:

Nice! For Rupert I had Johnny Bark. Dirty hippies.

John:

At least Johnny Bark had the sense to build his shelter above ground.

Who do you have for Candice?

Martin:

Ann. Because when it was revealed Candice was on the Heroes tribe the reaction was “Her?”

John:

Yes! We’re unanimous, then. I chose Ann for the same reason. Is Candice funny or something?

Martin:

Egg?

John:

I bet John Cody has some stories about how Candice peels an egg and eats it in really cute ways.

Martin:

I don’t feel so good.

John:

It’s as egg as the plain on Candice’s face.

Alright, let’s move on to Colby.

I think Colby is the George Michael of this group. He knows the most important thing is breakfast, and he’s basically doing the sad Charlie Brown walk throughout HvV.

Martin:

Yes! We’re on the same level now. It seems weird to compare the buff handsome American cowboy Colby to nerdy, skinny George-Michael. But it so fits.

John:

Remember the time George Michael wore the fake muscle suit? That’s Colby!

George Michael was a nerd in a Superman suit, and Colby was Superman in a fat suit.

Martin:

Haha. Yes.

John:

Ok, who is Cirie?

Martin:

Hmm. I struggled with Cirie, but maybe Michael? She is the straight-man to everyone else’s idiocy – mainly Rupert’s.

John:

We’re on a roll here. I also had Cirie as Michael. She’s the closest thing to a sane one, commenting on the nutjobs around her.

Martin:

But then I also think one of the Villains could be Michael. Hmm.

John:

Also, it’s funny to picture Cirie as the parent figure to Colby.

Martin:

Yes! And Colby dating Candice much to Cirie’s confusion.

John:

Everything fits here. I like our choices so far.

Let’s move on to Tom. Who is the best Tom comp?

Martin:

For Tom I have gone for one of the many AD lawyers. Wayne Jarvis. Because Tom’s a professional, and serious, and a professional.

John:

Me too! Shit, this isn’t going to be as fun if we’re constantly ending up with the same names.

Martin:

Haha!

John:

I feel like Tom is absolutely the type that would politely hide behind a plant while you have a conversation with another Survivor.

Martin:

When you say plant you mean Candice?

John:

Way to plant, Candice!

Martin:

Stop being a Candice-hog.

John:

I need to find a pic of Candice obscured by foliage to use here.

Martin:

Unfortunately it was only Jenna and Heidi who did that playboy shoot.

John:

Well who is our Stephenie?

Martin:

I struggled with Stephenie but eventually went for Lindsay. I feel Stephenie is the type that wants to be seen as a good person but is deeply selfish. And plugging your restaurant on the reunion show is such a Lindsay move.

John:

You shouldn’t have tried to use a woman for Stephenie. Because Stephenie is obviously Ice the Bounty Hunter.

She’s physically imposing, but her true love is food service.

Martin:

Nice! I have another Hero for Ice but a different reason. Also, I heard Stephenie’s restaurant serves hot ham water.

John:

Well who do you have as Ice?

Martin:

For Ice I have James. Obviously the physically imposing part, but also aggressively tackling people much weaker/older than himself (RIP Randy).

John:

And women have been known to find both James and Ice attractive.

Martin:

Very true. I don’t think Ice would appreciate James’ banana etiquette though.

John:

I’m glad you brought that up, because it relates to my pick for James.

James is J Walter Weatherman. He’s there to teach people a lesson. A lesson about banana etiquette.

“And that’s why you always offer Rupert a banana.”

Martin:

Ohh! I like it!

John:

In fact, those should have been his parting words.

Martin:

There’s always money in the ripe banana stand.

John:

Almost done with the Heroes. Who is your Amanda?

Martin:

I have two options for Amanda and I’m not sure which one to settle on. It’s between Sally Sitwell or Marta. Both just nice and inoffensive.

John:

Those are fine. And my pick is actually calling back to her earlier seasons, so I don’t know that it’s a perfect fit.

I think Amanda is Buster Bluth. She generally tries to be nice, but she completely falls apart in stressful situations.

And I think that, like Amanda, Buster was probably censored on more than one occasion.

Martin:

Now I’m just picturing Amanda with a hook for a hand.

John:

I’ll need to work that up in Photoshop.

Plus, doesn’t Amanda seem likely to start a conversation with “Heeeeeyyyy, brother”?

Martin:

Complete with awkward shoulder massage.

John:

Definitely. I bet that’s how Amanda greets most of her friends.

Martin:

Now I’m interested in who you chose as Lucille, if Amanda is Buster.

John:

Well let’s get to the final Hero: JT.

Martin:

Has to be Gob in my book. “Damn it!” is the “I made a huge mistake” of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.

John:

You’re too kind. JT is the Rita/Mr. F of this season.

He’s charming, attractive, and maybe not the brightest.

Also, he has definitely called someone a pussy before. That’s a compliment to you Brits, right?

Martin:

Yeah, it’s a term of endearment.

John:

I bet JT means it that way when he says it, too.

Martin:

I’d like to hear JT’s attempt at a British accent.

John:

I have a non-Southern American accent, and even my British accent attempts aren’t very good. I’m guessing JT’s would be awful.

Martin:

Also, are you saying JT’s parents were cousins?

John:

No! Of course not!

But I’m also not *not* saying that.

I did feel a little bad making JT the Rita, though.

Martin:

*Mr. F jingle*

John:

Let’s get to the Villains!

Martin:

Those debaucherous little villains.

John:

We started with the first boot of the Heroes, let’s start with the first boot of the Villains: Randy.

Martin:

Okay, I’m not sure if this quite works. But for Randy I went with T-Bone. T-Bone likes to watch things burn to the ground and that’s how Randy approaches Survivor.

John:

If Butch from Amazon were on this season, he’d be T-Bone for sure.

I bet T-Bone believed in himself, too.

Martin:

Or Rory.

Who do you have for Randy?

John:

I went with Franklin the puppet.

Because Randy is ultimately unsuccessful, and it’s because he says some things that Whitey just isn’t ready to hear.

Martin:

He also said some things that African-American-y wasn’t ready to hear.

John:

Exactly. And if there were anyone who didn’t want no part of your tight ass country club, it’s Randy.

Martin:

And kids love Franklin. The kids love Randy right?

John:

Have you been to r/Survivor lately? I’m pretty sure the answer is yes.

Martin:

That was a freebie.

John:

You set it up, I knock it down.

Also, this is one of those times where my opinions align with the r/Survivor crowd. I generally enjoyed Randy.

Martin:

I love Randy. And Inside Survivor readers might be getting a whole lot more Randy this upcoming season.

John:

Ohhh, nice tease. Well done.

Martin:

I’m like Stephenie. Never miss the chance for a cheap plug.

John:

Our readers might be getting another round of me parodying Fishbach’s blog this upcoming season.

Martin:

I do enjoy those! No Probst parody?

John:

Nah. It ran out of steam and I had too much other stuff going on to keep up with it.

Anyway, back to comps!

Martin:

Who we got next?

John:

Now that we’ve talked about r/Survivor and your site, let’s borrow a gimmick from another online community and talk about R.obbed G.oddess Mariano.

Martin:

Rob was another one I struggled with because I also had him as a Michael option. The relatively normal one surrounded by crazies. But in the end I went with J. Walter Weatherman. Rob was the one trying to keep his allies on the straight and narrow and not mess things up (cough, Tyson).

That’s why you always split the vote.

John:

He was my original Weatherman pick before I switched it to James.

Ultimately, I decided that Rob is Lucille.

Because he has no real interest in these people, he’s the mastermind behind the operation, and he probably doesn’t care for Gob.

Martin:

…doesn’t care for Coach.

John:

That works. Also, I can relate.

Martin:

Ok, well I guess I should give you my Lucille?

John:

Sure!

Now I want to see Boston Rob do his impression of a chicken, though.

Martin:

Or his impression of Chicken.

John:

I feel like Rob was not watching Survivor: China. Like Parvati, he only watches seasons he’s in. And even then he kinda watches in the background.

Martin:

It has to be Sandra for Lucille. Which is kind of ironic given Lucille’s contempt for the Hispanic. Like you said with Rob, she has little interest in other people and openly shows it.

John:

Yeah, I don’t think Sandra would berate poor Lupe.

For me, Sandra is Maggie Lizer, the “blind” lawyer.

Martin:

So, you have Amanda as Buster and Rob as Lucille. Interesting.

John:

Yeah. You don’t see Amanda zipping up Rob’s dress for him?

Martin:

And Rob hiding her juice.

Or I should say J-U-I-C-E.

John:

Oh, Amanda is definitely excited for unlimited juice. I think she’s vegan, so she’s excited for anything that she’s allowed to consume that has actual flavor.

Rob would definitely pretend to offer her a candy bar, then pull it away and say, “No, I’m withholding it. Look at me, getting off.”

Martin:

That’s more of a Probst thing to do.

Ok, back to Sandra. Why Maggie Lizer?

John:

Sandra sees right through the lies of other people, but she’ll play along with them if it suits her needs.

And her own lies are very believable.

Martin:

Indeed. She’ll tell a gooood lie.

John:

And ultimately, despite her lies, she’s pretty likeable.

Martin:

And she has a dog called Justice.

John:

I bet Sandra’s dog is named Culo, which is Spanish for ass.

Ok, let’s move on to Sandra’s buddy Courtney.

Martin:

Courtney has to be Maeby for their don’t give a shit attitude towards everything.

John:

Absolutely.

And she’s successful by exploiting the stupidity of others.

Also, they’re both just their typical winsome selves.

Martin:

And you could genuinely play a game of “Who said it – Maeby or Courtney?” and it’d be a struggle.

John:

Oh, let’s do that!

Martin:

“I’m probably the biggest bitch on the planet.” – Maeby or Courtney?

John:

“Look, this is kind of weird advice for me to be giving but why don’t you just tell him the truth? I mean, he’ll respect you for it. ” – Maeby or Courtney?

“Let’s just sit here quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.” – Maeby or Courtney?

“Ok, now I’m just lying for no reason.” – Maeby or Courtney?

For the record, all of those are Maeby.

And I know yours is Courtney.

Martin:

“Marry me!”

That’s just what I hope Courtney one day says. To me.

John:

Good luck on that.

Let’s move on to Russell, the bandy-legged troll.

Bandy-legged troll is right up there with Superman in a fat suit for great nicknames that came from this season.

Martin:

Ok. I have Russell as George Sr. The big bad of the season. No morals ruins people’s lives without thinking. Dodgy businessman. Bald.

John:

Well, if anyone in this group has committed some light treason, it’s Hantz.

Martin:

I also feel like Parvati probably said “No touching!” to him a lot during the season.

John:

Definitely.

Martin:

I thought you was going to say if anyone in this group had connections to Saddam Hussein, it’s Hantz.

John:

It can be two things!

Martin:

Who do you have as Russell?

John:

For me, Russell is Steve Holt. They’re both convinced of their own greatness. They both say their name a lot. And they’re both really popular, despite not being winners.

Martin:

And both had family members also appear on the show

Brandon Hantz!

John:

Yes!

Also, they probably both try to hook up with high school girls.

Martin:

Ha!

John:

Ok, I struggled with this one a bit: Who do you have for Jerri?

Martin:

Same. Jerri was tough. I went for Lucille 2 because much like how Lucille 2 was always there for the Bluth family, Jerri was always there for her family (villains alliance). She also has a history of kinda awkward relationships (Colby/Coach).

John:

I went with Lindsay, because she and Jerri both try to flirt but it never quite turns out very well.

Martin:

That works! Maybe if she comes back for another season Jerri should bring a “SLUT” shirt for her wardrobe.

John:

Jerri may as well have worn a “SLUT” shirt for her first two seasons, considering the weird outrage against her.

But Heroes vs. Villains Jerri is reformed and nice. Now she’s making hot ham water and finishing your sandwiches.

Martin:

But still making fun of Rupert. Some things never change, nor should they.

John:

Making fun of Rupert counts as redemption.

Martin:

For sure. Ok, who do you have for Danielle?

John:

Kitty!

Two obvious reasons.

Martin:

Say goodbye to these.

John:

Exactly.

Martin:

That’s what she should have said when Russell voted her out.

John:

Missed opportunity.

The one disappointing thing is that she’s not crazy enough. Because “Never promise crazy a baby” doesn’t really fit with Danielle as well.

Martin:

True. I went for Jessie Bowers for Danielle. The publicist Michael hires and dates briefly. Danielle shares her ruthless streak, and also Jessie got into a pathetic fight with Lindsay and Lucille, just like Danielle did with Amanda.

John:

Jessie seems more like the type that could have been a captain of sports, too.

Martin:

Yes.

John:

Speaking of sports, who is the Coach of the Arrested Development cast?

Martin:

Well, originally I had Coach as Oscar, but he’s clearly Tobias, right? Delusional, speaks without thinking and has man-crushes.

John:

He’s definitely Tobias, because I’m not sure he ever pays attention to the words that come out of his mouth.

Martin:

And he’s definitely the type that would stand around water coolers shouting “What about that Coach Ben Wade?!”

John:

And they both dabble in music! Coach does orchestras, Tobias does…whatever it is the Blue Man Group does.

I bet the Blue Man Group was originally just banging around on trash cans or whatever, and it never got any traction until they started painting themselves blue as a gimmick.

Martin:

Is Coach a nevernude?

I hear there are dozens of them.

John:

Yes!

Coach’s cutoffs have a little dragon embroidered on them.

Martin:

Of course. He probably became a nevernude after that time when an Amazonian tribe tried to eat his ass.

John:

Phrasing!

Martin:

Oh Coach, you blowhard.

John:

So who is the Queen P of this bunch? Which Arrested Development cast member comes closest to a Parvati vibe?

Martin:

Parvati was the one I left until last. It seems like there should be an obvious comparison but there just wasn’t. Eventually, I went with Rebel Alley. A bit of a wild child, flirtatious and knows how to play multiple men at once.

John:

Nah, Parv is Nellie the prostitute.

Martin:

Haha. I did have her as a consideration but felt bad.

John:

She’s exceptionally good at what she does, but everyone thinks she’s great at something else.

Martin:

Ah that’s a good way to look at it

John:

I felt bad, except that Nellie the prostitute generally just gets paid to listen to men tell her their problems.

Martin:

True. I like it.

John:

Plus, I used Cirie as Michael, and it was fun to have Michael/Cirie thinking of Parvati/Nellie as a sister.

Martin:

True. I still find it a little odd that Nellie was Jason Bateman’s actual sister.

John:

That was part of the fun!

They really should have had her as a long-term love interest, but made it so that she was ultra-religious and refused to even hold hands until marriage.

Martin:

Like Candice.

John:

Wait, Candice was ultra-religious?

Martin:

Ann-dice.

John:

Her?

Ok, I saved the best for last: Tyson!

Martin:

I have Tyson as Tony Wonder. Charismatic showmen, and Tyson made himself disappear.

John:

Tyson is Gob, because they are both very good at riding around on two-wheeled vehicles. And they both made a huge mistake.

I couldn’t do Tyson as Tony Wonder because I dislike Ben Stiller and I love Tyson.

Martin:

Haha

John:

Hey, I own my biases.