It’s that time of year again where the comically-uninformed about movies John (who we met at a pop culture website) learns, in most cases for the first time, the names of the movies nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. Using this newly gleaned information, his general cynicism over what gets nominated by the Academy, and past experiences with previous games, he tries to guess the plots of the nominated films.

Matt:

John, welcome to our annual contest where you try and guess the plot of the Oscar movies from just the names.

How you feeling this year?

John:

Well, I’m fairly certain I saw no movies over the last 12 months. I’m trying to remember if maybe a kid’s movie somehow made it in front of my eyeballs, but I don’t think so.

Matt:

Well, I am here to tell you that despite that I have full confidence that you can get at least 4 of the 10 nominees this year!

In fact, if you get less than that I will very disappointed

John:

That’s terrible! Unlike video games, I don’t want an easy mode for this.

Emma:

And let’s not forget the most noble rule of this honored tradition: don’t ruin this by trying to be funny.

Matt:

Indeed, good reminder Emma.

John:

I’m trying to think of how I could even be aware of these movies. They must be remakes.

Matt:

Okay let’s start John off with one of the easy ones: All Quiet on the Western Front.

John:

I’m trying to decide if you’re trying to dupe me by calling this an easy one, and it’s not actually based on the book. But I’m going to trust that you’re playing this straight and say that All Quiet on the Western Front is the story of a soldier in WWI, witnessing the horrors of a pointless war as trenches are won and lost and the bodies pile up.

Matt:

Ok, so you got the correct war, but to get full credit, I need to know what side the soldier is on

John:

The left.

Matt:

No dummy, what country?

John:

I need to know the specific country? I feel like I should be able to guess the alliance. But since it’s a book written in English; I’ll say it’s a British soldier.

Matt:

WRONG!

It is told from the perspective of a German soldier.

John:

The last time I read that book was in SparkNotes in like 11th grade. I can’t be penalized for not remembering that.

Matt:

You damn well can.

Emma:

All books are written in English when they’re translated to English.

John:

That…what?

Matt:

We’ll give you half credit. You knew the war and that it was based on the book.

We’ll submit your answer for review with the points commission (Andy) at the end for re-evaluation.

Moving on, our next movie: Elvis.

John:

Come on!

Really?

Matt:

Really

John:

I’m so mad.

Ugh. This is going to be some pointless biopic about Elvis Presley. And I’m sure it tries to take a look at the gritty underbelly of Elvis’ meteoric rise to fame. There are emotional scenes where Elvis drinks and probably throws a bottle against the wall to break it. And everyone under 75 years old yawns while watching this.

 If they include him dying while eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich, that would be a fun ending.

Matt:

Basically correct, except this is by Baz Luhrmann, so its a pointless biopic about Elvis Presley that is insane and has Tom Hanks doing the weirdest accent ever committed to film.

Emma:

Yeah, definitely not boring! (She says, despite not having seen it.)

Mark:

And the actor still uses his Elvis voice for some reason.

Emma:

Fun fact: Austin Butler, who has been nominated for playing Elvis, has not stopped talking in Elvis voice.

Matt:

Ok full points for that one.

Well done, but let’s mix it up a bit.

Women Talking

Mark:

John won’t be the only one to find out this movie is about.

John:

First off: great title. This is a movie about a woman trying to break into film criticism. And she creates the Bechdel test, but since this isn’t a movie about her specifically, they call it something else in the movie and deny Bechdel credit for the concept. The movie follows her as she faces sexism in trying to break into the role, and also frustration over seeing how few women get to show any sort of agency in most roles. So, she popularizes her Great Value Brand Bechdel test, and everyone is like “Yes! Let’s make movies where women, like, do stuff!”

Matt:

So, they want to make movies where women do stuff, and not just talk?

John:

Talking is doing stuff!

That’s what my therapist says.

Matt:

I mean very wrong, but as always, I love the swings and misses.

John:

I want my imaginary woman film critic to review Woman Fucks a Fish Guy.

Matt:

Emma give us the real plot of Women Talking.

Emma:

Women Talking is about women in a Mennonite community who have faced lots of abuse and have gathered in a barn to discuss whether they should escape or stay and fight/try to change things. Also, there is one man present to serve as an ally and take notes because none of the women know how to read and write. It does not take place as far in the past as you’d hope! It’s also based on a novel inspired by true events.

John:

Hooray humanity.

Emma:

Hilariously, it tied with Jackass: Forever for Best Ensemble with the Boston Film Critics.

John:

I feel like I could guess the plot of Jackass: Forever.

Emma:

I don’t know if we can legally say that those movies have a plot.

Matt:

Sadly Jackass: Forever was not nominated for Best Picture.

John:

Cowards.

Matt:

You know what movie title with a colon was nominated? Top Gun: Maverick.

(Smooth transition)

John:

This is so disappointing.

Matt:

Right?

I am furious on behalf of our game.

John:

Top Gun: Maverick is the sequel to Top Gun, which has a bunch of guys flying planes and playing shirtless and sweaty beach volleyball. It stars Tom Cruise, who does all of his own stunts and also definitely runs at some point- with excellent form, I should add. I think in this one they were specifically trying not to make Russia or China the enemy for international box office reasons. So maybe the enemy is North Korea? Seems safe to not worry about losing that market.

Matt:

I mean yeah, its the sequel to Top Gun. Mark tell us what actually happened in Top Gun: Maverick.

Mark:

Close! It’s the sequel to Top Gun which has a bunch of guys flying planes and attacking an Unidentified Country’s missile system. After being booted off his program, Tom Cruise must train a bunch of flight school Millennials, including his dead buddy’s son played by Miles Teller, how to be badass pilots who do their own stunts. He also hooks up with Jennifer Connelly again.

John:

Important question: Is she still hot?

Matt:

Of course she is, it’s Jennifer Connelly.

Emma:

Also one of our beloved hot guys from Insecure is in it, one of the things that’s tempted me to watch it.

John:

Oh right! Isn’t Lawrence in it?

Live, Laugh, Love, Lawrence.

Matt:

Also, one of the guys flying planes is a gal.

Emma:

Yes!

Mark:

Progress!

Matt:

And they play shirtless football, not volleyball I think.

John:

A woman, you say? In a plane? What will they think of next?

Emma:

The yes was about Lawrence, but I suppose I’m also happy for the woman.

John:

It can be two things.

Emma:

I saw him once in person and he’s just so handsome.

Matt:

Emma here is like that meme demanding more female prison guards. More women as the tools of military propaganda!

Anyway full points.

Moving on

The Fabelmans

John:

Ok, this isn’t the absolutely insane plot movie that we seem to get every year. The Fabelmans seems too straightforward for that. This is a movie about a married couple who have been together for decades, but the husband eventually realizes he has been living in closet for his whole life and decides to tell his wife and their two teenaged children. It’s like a later-in-life coming of age story, where we follow along with the husband as he navigates trying to find love in a new relationship while also balancing his old life.

Matt:

How’d he do Emma?

Emma:

Incorrect

John:

Damn. No one fucks fish in this, right?

Emma:

No, but there is a monkey!

John:

A fucked monkey or?

Emma:

No, just a pet monkey.

The Fabelmans is a thinly veiled story of Steven Spielberg’s adolescence, in which he discovers his love for filmmaking while his parents’ marriage falls apart (so you had a little something there!) and also deals with Anti-Semitism from high school bullies.

It’s also pretty focused on his relationship with his mother.

John:

Ah, Andy’s old trope about how The Oscars love movies about creating art.

Matt:

Indeed!

John:

Well, luckily antisemitism is firmly in the past. Certainly not hearing about any of that stuff these days.

Matt:

Ok let’s get this one out of the way

Avatar: The Way of Water

John:

Are you fucking kidding me?

Matt:

Once again, I am not fucking kidding you.

Mark:

I wish we were

John:

That got nominated for Best Picture?!

Matt:

It did!

Mark:

The Oscars are desperate for relevance

John:

Ok. Well shit. At least I don’t know too much about it?

It’s a movie about blue people. And I think they have tails? But also, I remember the first one had a plot that even a 10-year old would have found trite and overdone.

Matt:

Bingo, you nailed it

Full points.

John:

I didn’t even guess this one!

Matt:

Who cares?

John:

But also, yes. It’s the same shit.

Mark:

Do you want a better explanation courtesy of Wikipedia (because I certainly did not pay to see this in 3D)?

John:

Blue people. Tails. A plot so thin if you rub grease on it, it disappears.

Matt:

Nah, this is all we need

Emma:

I believe there are also whales this time.

Mark:

Yes but now they have a son!

Matt:

There are indeed alien whales

Mark:

Apparently, the graphics are really good, which bodes well for PS7 games in 2030.

Emma:

Apparently, the Graphics Are Really Good: The Avatar Story.

John:

I like that normally if I miss even one detail despite the insanely long odds that I’ll get close, you’ll dock me points. But on this one, you’re like “Nah, fuck it. Close enough.”

Matt:

Triangle of Sadness

John:

Hey, that’s another thing my therapist says!

Triangle of Sadness is the story of a pilot (a man pilot, to be clear- because that will be relevant later). He had a hard upbringing, but he decides to make something of himself and go to pilot school. He is young and brash and cool, like the characters in Top Gun or its sequel, Top Gun: Maverick. But he eventually settles down and finds love and a sense of belonging when he starts a family of his own. Tragically, while flying home to see his family, he flies over the Bermuda Triangle and his plane is lost. He crash-landed somewhere and wasn’t found, and his death causes his wife to become an alcoholic and a terrible mother, thus ironically giving the dead pilot’s own children a terrible upbringing.

Matt:

Wrong, but also maybe not as wrong as I would have thought at first glance?

But still very wrong.

Matt:

Triangle of Sadness is a satire where a male model, and female model and influencer get invited aboard a luxury yacht in exchange for promoting it. Hijinx ensue, the yacht crashes, they escape and end up on a deserted island (that is actually not deserted).

John:

I mean, there are elements there!

Matt:

Yeah! But also, no points. None of us have seen this movie by the way

Next movie: Everything Everywhere All at Once.

John:

Oh! I’ve heard of this!

It has lots of Asian people in it. I know people were excited about that.

Matt:

That is not a plot…

John:

But it’s not like Crazy Rich Asians, which at least gave me a hint as to what I might be working with.

Okay, that title makes me think it’s about being famous and having so many demands on your time. So, I’ll say this is the story of a K-pop band that gets super popular worldwide, and they have to deal with the pressure of constant scrutiny and the downfalls of fame. And the fame changes them, and they can no longer be the super cool and chill friends that they were back when they were starting their K-pop band at their college. The band quickly breaks up due to the strained relationships. Then one of them decides to start a solo career and stays really famous, and the others resent him/her.

Brad:

Absolutely not.

Matt:

Ok but I do want to see this movie

Brad:

As the resident Asian, I don’t know how I feel about John jumping right to K-Pop for the Asian movie.

John:

Brad, there’s clearly a market for it.

Emma:

Guys, John’s suggestion is just every Behind the Music episode, but about K-Pop.

Brad:

Okay my turn to explain a plot

John:

Honestly, it’s every rock band biopic too.

Mark:

John do you actually know the cast or just “this is the one with Asians”?

John:

Oh, I’m not just going to randomly guess Asian actors.

Matt:

Yeah, because that would be racist

John:

I don’t remember anyone specifically that people were talking about. It was just “OMG THIS CAST!”

Brad:

Everything, Everywhere, All at Once is about Michelle Yeoh as a laundromat owner who is just trying to keep her business afloat and her family together. She gets pulled into a multi-dimensional adventure where a version of her daughter is a figure of the apocalypse and she has to unlock her multidimensional potential to save the multiverse. As well as her family. I cried three times while watching it.

Mark:

As a movie about taxes, John really should have seen it

John:

Ok, so basically this is the “Woman fucks a fish guy” insane plot for this year. Huh. Didn’t see that coming.

Brad:

It’s better than fucking a fish.

John:

Also, I feel like that is definitively NOT about taxes?

Emma:

She’s also being audited.

John:

Like the multiverse thing seems like a bigger detail?

Brad:

It all takes place in an IRS building

Matt:

Some of it takes place in the laundromat

Brad:

John’s a bad ally, we don’t tell the commenters enough

Matt:

Anyway…

We should probably keep this moving

Tár

John:

Oooh, an accent!

Matt:

Indeed.

John:

I at least saw the name of this one floating around at one point. I feel like maybe it was related to someone talking about a mother.

Let’s say this movie is about Jennifer Tár, who is the daughter of a single mom. And the single mother has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder. So young Jennifer has to navigate life with a mother that is having severe mental health problems and isn’t doing a great job of giving Jennifer the life skills she needs to become independent. But a caring guidance counselor at Jennifer’s school decides that Jennifer’s failings in school may be related to troubles at home, and the guidance counselor takes on a Jennifer as a mentee. Jennifer then goes on to finish high school and go to college, where she becomes a mental health practitioner that helps those with BPD and their families.

Matt:

Definitely not.

John:

I want points if there’s a mom involved.

Brad:

You had something with “mothers” but Lydia Tár is a mother.

John:

Okay, so I get mom points.

Brad:

Eh, I don’t think so

Matt:

But you did identify that the title is the last name of the main character!

John:

That plus “mom” should net me something!

Matt:

No

John:

You guys are the worst.

Brad:

Cate Blanchett plays Lydia Tár, who is an EGOT-winning orchestra conductor (explain how that works). She is at the height of her career and much more well-known than any orchestra conductor ought to be. She is also a sexual predator, and her misdeeds lead way to her career crumbling apart. I am told it’s one of the few three hour films that is actually worth the three hours.

John:

So a Me Too story, but a woman is the monster? How…brave?

Matt:

Exactly!

John:

I really need to just guess a Me Too story every year.

Matt:

Can’t believe you didn’t guess reverse Me Too. I mean Women Talking was also sorta Me Too, just Me Too in a Mennonite community, so we had two this year.

And there was a third that wasn’t nominated! She Said about the reporters that broke the Weinstein story

John:

If Top Gun: Maverick was more realistic, there definitely would have been some Me Too.

Society is awful, y’all.

Matt:

It is!

Should we do the last movie?

The Banshees of Inisherin

John:

This feels like one of the rare titles that lets you know it’s batshit, and it lives up to that. I don’t remember the name of the Lady Fucks a Fish Guy movie, but it definitely didn’t tip you off. This one is going to come through for me, so I’m going to swing for the fences.

In this movie, a young Irish guy is desperate for work. Let’s say it’s the 1930s or so. The only available honest work is as a lighthouse keeper, because the lighthouse keepers keep mysteriously dying. So this young Irish guy takes the job. And as he begins working as a lighthouse keeper, he is visited by ghosts. Sexy ghosts. The young Irish guy figures out how to communicate with these ghosts, who he can also see for some reason? And he starts developing relationships with them. Eventually, he forms a harem of ghost ladies. But he doesn’t realize that one of those ghost ladies is the jealous type, and one day as he’s up cleaning the light house lantern(???) the jealous ghost lady makes him fall off of the lighthouse to his death. The final shot of the movie reveals that he’s laying on top of a pile of bodies- the previous lighthouse keepers that had also tried to form ghost harems.

Emma:

Well, you’re right that it’s Irish.

But otherwise, very wrong.

Matt:

John just went right for the porn plot for some reason?

 John:

He had deep emotional connections with the ghosts, Matt. They just happened to be fucking as well.

Also his name was Seamus.

Emma:

Anyway, The Banshees of Inisherin takes place on a remote island off the coast of Ireland during the Irish Civil War. Brendan Gleeson (a local musician) and Colin Farrell (just some guy) were best friends but then Brendan decides he doesn’t like Colin anymore and threatens to cut off his own fingers if Colin talks to him again. Also, Colin lives with his sister and pet donkey, and there’s also a younger guy on the island who hangs around them a lot. It’s both funnier and more depressing than it sounds.

Emma:

Colm and Pádraic are the lead character names, so even more Irish than Seamus.

Matt:

Do you want to do two rapid fire bonus movies, or are we done?

John:

Hit me.

Matt:

Nope

John:

Ok, then tell me the movies.

Matt:

Nope

John:

I feel like we’ve reached an impasse here.

Matt:

Nope

Emma:

Who’s on first?

Matt:

Nope

John:

Oh shit!

That’s the one guy’s movie!

Get Out guy!

Matt:

Yeah!

John:

It’s about aliens invading? The warlike aliens have come to invade, and the black main characters rightly hide. But a few idiots step outside to try to either communicate with the aliens or shoot them, and it does not go well for those people that tried to be heroes.

Mark:

I want to say “nope” but…“not bad!”

Emma:

Probably the closest you’ve come in a while.

John:

That’s what she said.

Emma:

Hey ohhh…

Anyway, half credit seems fair.

Matt:

Nah I think this is close enough I’ll give full points. He knew the director and aliens, that is all he needed.

Mark:

It’s also about filmmaking. The one time John didn’t do that angle…

John:

Ok, but it’s about aliens. Like Everything, Everywhere is about the multiverse. Filmmaking and the IRS are kinda subplots.

Matt:

Okay last one RRR.

John:

Matt just had a stroke.

Mark:

Nope.

John:

I just did that one.

Quick question: Is it pronounced like a growl? Or with each individual R?

Mark:

I believe it’s “R R R”.

John:

This is a movie about Regina Rutherford-Reyes, the child of a forbidden marriage between an American named Rutherford and a Spanish person named Reyes during the Spanish-American war. Rutherford, Reyes, and their daughter sneak out of Cuba on a boat, but Rutherford dies on the journey home (which is wild because Cuba is a really short boat ride) and RRR faces relentless discrimination from the American public that had been whipped into a frenzy against the Spanish for no real discernible reason.

Emma:

Extremely incorrect.

Matt:

RRR is a Tollywood movie (like Bollywood, but from a different part of India) about two revolutionaries who become best friends and fight the British.

John:

I mean, fighting the British is in there!

They used to own America. So I feel like I should get like a quarter of a point for that.

Emma: 

Absolutely not.

Matt:

There is a great dance number nominated for Best Song called Naatu Naatu which I recommend everyone go watch.

Mark:

I have only seen Natu Natu and it has sold me on the film.

Matt:

I’m giving you 4.5 total including the bonus movies.

John:

That’s both impressive and disappointing.

(That is also what she said.)

Matt:

Next year hopefully the Oscars won’t nominate a bunch of obvious answers

John:

I hate when they do that.

Matt:

It sucked! How is it fun to guess what Top Gun and Avatar sequels are about? I was kinda hoping you would guess the wrong Elvis for biopic though

Emma:

Really when you put into perspective how many freebies there were, he still did not do well at all.

Matt:

If he didn’t pull Nope out at the end he would’ve underperformed

John:

Let’s hope next year brings us more IRS multiverse movies and less Elvis.

Emma:

After this, do you think you’ll seek out any of the movies?

John:

Lol no.

Matt:

The correct answer was Nope. Real missed layup there.

Andy:

Commissioner awards full points for All Quiet on the Western Front. 5 points.