Andy:

Alright, time for everyone’s favourite offseason content, John trying to guess what the ten movies nominated for Best Picture are all about.

As a reminder, we’re not testing what John knows about these movies, because other than a couple of exceptions, the answer is nothing. Instead, we’re seeing how close he can get to the truth using nothing but the title of the movie and his general assumptions as to what the Academy chooses to reward.

Everyone ready?

Matt:

Vibrating with anticipation over here.

Mark:

Can’t wait.

John:

I’m so excited. I prepared vigorously for this one. In that I did absolutely nothing. I saw zero movies last year.

Andy:

Perfect. Way to step your game up.

Emma:

Even I’ve only seen one of the Best Picture nominations.

John:

Never question my commitment to truly dumb shit.

Andy:

With each passing year, we all become a little more like John.

Matt:

Terrifying.

Mark:

I’ve also only seen one, but I know most of them.

John:

My condolences.

Matt:

I think I lead the pack with 2.

Emma:

I blame the pandemic.

 

Andy:

Alright, let’s kick this off with an easy one…

Licorice Pizza

John:

I love a vivid title!

Andy:

Sounds like a safe word(s).

John:

Ok, so I know that the Icelandic weirdly enjoy licorice. I’m going to take an insane shot in the dark here and say that this is the story of some weird hippies who have a dream of opening a pizza place, but they do it in Iceland because hippies are completely unaware of how businesses or capitalism work. So their business is struggling until one of them realizes that for the business to survive, they need to embrace the local culture. Thus, the literal licorice pizza is born.

Also it costs $57 because everything in Iceland is wildly expensive.

Matt:

So close!

Emma:

Okay, I think we can all agree that no points are awarded there.

John:

Ok, how many fish are fucked in this movie?

Emma:

More on that later, John.

Matt:

Emma, give us the actual plot.

Emma:

So, for starters: the phrase “licorice pizza” refers to vinyl records.

John:

So more hipster than hippie. Damn.

Andy:

For shame John. I’m always talking about my licorice pizza collection.

Emma:

This is a Paul Thomas Anderson coming-of-age film about a 15-year-old boy and his weird friendship with a twenty something woman played by one of the Haim girls.

Oh, and it’s in the 1970s, of course.

John:

Is it platonic, or is this a weird “what if a woman was a Libertarian” thing?

Emma:

My understanding is a little of both?

I have not seen it.

Matt:

Yeah, my understanding is the same

Emma:

Like, a toeing the line situation.

Andy:

Yeah, unclear at this time. Intentionally so.

John:

The important thing is that it will forever remain unclear to me.

Matt:

There is also a racist restaurant owner I gather from Twitter.

John:

Ok, so there is a restaurant! I got one element.

Emma:

Well, it exists in a society. Where restaurants tend to be.

Mark:

I think the boy is Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s kid?

Matt:

Yes, the kid is PSH’s son.

John:

Casting a movie so that your kid gets to make out with an older woman is some wild ass parenting.

Matt:

PSH is dead, John.

John:

I definitely knew that.

Matt:

Off to a tremendous start.

John:

Is Paul Thomas Anderson a director?

Emma:

Yes. A famous one.

Matt:

Paul Thomas Anderson is alive, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is dead

John:

And I guess that means he is not Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I shall store that away.

 

Andy:

Moving on…

Nightmare Alley

John:

I have bad news. I have tangential awareness of Nightmare Alley. It’s about a circus!

Matt:

Go on…

John:

And it’s an old-timey circus, with many “freak show” attractions. But there must be some compelling narrative that made it Oscar bait.

So, I’ll go with Andy’s rock-solid theory that Oscar voters love movies about art and say that the director of the circus is really just raising money in order to finance a series of propaganda films to advance some noble political cause. And since it’s old-timey, I’ll guess that the political cause is…women’s suffrage?

Andy:

I love the thinking. It’s wrong, but I love it.

John:

Is there a restaurant involved?

Emma:

John’s going to just keep guessing restaurants.

Andy:

So, here’s the thing: if you HADN’T admitted passing knowledge, I’d totally give you partial points for “circus”. Because grabbing that from the title is miraculous.

But since that part stumbled into your bubble… no points!

John:

Again, I take this very seriously.

Andy:

Nightmare Alley is about an old-timey carnie grifter who uses his connections to run a con on a rich guy.

Emma:

From the man who brought you deaf lady fucks a fish monster!

John:

Oh, like the Korean movie where they fleece the benevolent capitalist!

Fish fucker guy just cranks out the hits. Though I have to say this story is somewhat less inspired.

Andy:

Let’s reserve judgement until we learned what exactly gets fucked in this movie and how.

Matt:

Like the fact that he knew at least circus inclines me to say half point.

Emma:

But it’s a carnival, not a circus!

Matt:

Oh, in that case no points.

Emma:

Best I can give you is a quarter.

Matt:

Totally different things.

Andy:

Yeah, the characters aren’t clowns or trapeze artists or anything.

Matt:

Yeah ok, no points.

Andy:

They’re psychics and stuff… TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Matt:

I have been convinced

John:

Tough crowd.

Matt:

Sorry John, it’s the Purple Rock.

 

Andy:

Let’s get this one out of the way…

West Side Story

John:

Oh, even as someone who basically never saw musicals, I know this one. It’s about the Sharks and the Jets. And the Sharks (or Jets) do a racism because the Jets (or Sharks) are not the exact same as them, and a Shark wants to date a Jet. Then there is “fighting” which consists of finger snapping and rolling around. A fun time is had by all, until the betrothed Jet and Shark die.

Andy:

Congratulations on making the lay-up….which is not something oft heard at the PRP 3-on-3 tournament.

Emma:

My cardboard cutout could do it.

Mark:

For bonus points, who did this remake?

Matt:

No bonus points!

Andy:

No And-1s!

John:

Yeah, fuck that. Especially since there’s no way I’d guess that.

Emma:

Hahaha oh, John.

Matt:

We don’t grade on a curve! Even John has heard of this director though

John:

Is it Lin Manuel Miranda?

Matt:

Ooooh no. We’ll maybe get to that.

It is Spielberg.

John:

But we’re not talking about Bruno, right? That’s strictly verboten, from what I hear.

Andy:

We don’t talk about that

Emma:

No, no, no

John:

Spielberg made a musical?

Matt:

He did! He made West Side Story in fact.

John:

Huh. TIL.

 

Andy:

Alright, now that John is feeling frisky…

Belfast

John:

Oh, fuck yes. I now have a real-life Irish friend, so I feel like I need to get this one correct.

Mark:

You have a real life friend?

Emma:

Sounds fake, but okay.

John:

We watched the Six Nations rugby tournament last weekend, and I learned that Ireland had long been shit at rugby. But recently they got good, and they actually won the tournament after something like 50 years. So this movie is the story of the Irish team (which inexplicably features players from both Ireland and Northern Ireland, a fact that I had my friend reiterate multiple times) that wins the Six Nations cup (?) in Belfast as they are embraced and supported by all the Irish, regardless of creed.

Matt:

No points.

John:

Fuck.

Andy:

Both of those will be said often in the PRP 3-on-3 tournament.

Matt:

I mean I almost want to award opposite points, but you did correctly know Belfast was in Ireland

John:

I hope this is some Tarantino movie where the IRA managed to kill Thatcher.

Emma:

Even alludes to it being Northern Ireland!

Andy:

Really thought you’d get partial points here. On stereotypes alone.

Matt:

Belfast is a coming-of-age story that takes place at the outbreak of the Troubles. It is loosely based off the director’s own childhood.

Emma:

When all Irish stories take place. Isn’t this the one that old people love but cool people aren’t supposed to like?

Matt:

I don’t know, I liked it.

Wait… shit.

Emma:

Hahaha

John:

Confirmed.

 

Andy:

The Power of the Dog

John:

You guys know I like to go into these things by assuming that certain movies get nominated because the theme really resonates with the voters. So, the themes I think will hit this year will be pandemic adjacent. Stuff that explores isolation or helplessness or adjustment.

But this is not one of those. The Power of the Dog is about a cult leader who cons several dozen people into following him. He starts making progressively more insane rules for them, and when some people start to question him, he kicks them out and has the remaining members harass them. Thus, the group that remains is even more loyal and committed. Naturally, he started this cult because he wants to have sex with everyone in it. But in the end, one person escapes. And even though she is stalked and harassed by her family members that remain in the cult, she gets the cult leader jailed.

Because dog is just god spelled backwards.

Emma:

No points. Didn’t even read the whole thing but no points.

Andy:

I… I’d watch that?

With THIS cast?

Matt:

Oh, with this cast it would be aces.

Mark:

There’s probably a Netflix documentary somewhere with that plot.

John:

There are multiple.

Mark:

Benedict Cabbagepatch as Jim Jones.

John:

Tell me the plot!

Emma:

Okay, so this is the one I’ve actually seen. It’s like a post-western, Montana in the 1920s. Benedict Cumberbatch is a cowboy even though he went to Yale and he’s a dick to Kirsten Dunst and her son. Then he starts to get closer to her son. I don’t know how much else I can say without spoilers.

Jesse Plemons is also in it. It was supposed to be Paul Dano, but he had to drop out for The Batman, and I assume Jesse was like, well I’m gonna be there with Kirsten and the kids anyway, so.

Mark.

I’d rather see Plemons anyways

John:

So in my movie, Benedict would get to bone Kirsten and Jesse.

Matt:

Yes.

Andy:

He’d Bene…dict them.

Emma:

Boooo.

Matt:

Booooo

John:

I was saying booo-urns!

Matt:

Get out of here, Mark!

Andy:

I have no regrets

Mark:

With his Cum-berbatch.

Andy:

See, it can always be worse

Matt:

louder BOOOOOOOOO

Emma:

BOOOOOOO

John:

Well now Matt just looks psychic.

Matt:

I always look psychic. Except when I’m wrong.

Andy:

Like the guy in Nightmare Alley.

Emma:

Is Matt in Nightmar… dammit.

Andy:

Alright, time to rebuild John’s confidence…

Dune

John:

Oh man.

Here’s what I know of Dune: There is a famous boyishly handsome man in the lead role (it might be Timothee? Chalamet?). And I know that spices are involved. Like it’s a movie wherein various alien races are trying to find spices.

Which makes sense, because spices are delicious. But they go to war over the spices. And perhaps spices are currency? And I know this is based on a very old book, but I’m guessing it’s supposed to be sort of like a condemnation of colonialism?

Andy:

Yeah, you got it.

Emma:

He even spelled Timothee Chalamet right! (sans accent)

John:

Actually, I think the book is from the 70s, so I can’t even be sure it’s anti-colonialism.

Matt:

It is among other things. Honestly, that bit tips me to full point.

John:

Damn! Good job, me!

Mark:

I’m impressed.

John:

I really only knew the spice thing.

Matt:

Dune is based off the classic sci-fi novel, the main character and his family are given control of Arrakis (or Dune) by the Emperor and then are [REDACTED] except the main character and his mother who [REDACTED].

The spice is key to interstellar space travel and only grows on Dune

Andy:

Is some of that spoilery? I can’t tell.

SPOILERS FOR AN OLD ASS BOOK

Matt:

I mean it is, but I don’t care

John:

I like the idea that the thing that science determines will get you to travel at light speed is thyme. Or paprika, maybe.

Mark:

Thyme travel.

 

Andy:

Let’s see if John can keep it going…

King Richard

John:

Shit, so many ways I can go with this one.

Andy:

It’s like a Wordle that way.

Matt:

He does not get 6 guesses.

John:

You motherfuckers better score this one with little green boxes.

Ok, I feel like this can’t be literal. I was thinking maybe it could be like “Richard = dick”, so it’s about an egotistical dickhead. But this is going to end up being one of those absolutely insane movies that have a plot that you’d never guess from the title. And that plot?

In 1790s England, a do-nothing son of an aristocrat is trying to make a name for himself. He decides to sail to the Americas, and he brings along his arranged marriage bride. Once he lands in, let’s say Argentina, he bribes his way into becoming governor of the British colony there. And as governor, he decides he can set any laws he’d like. Thus, he makes polygamy legal and marries several additional brides, flaunting the Anglican church’s rules. The church leader in the colony ends up murdering him. (Also of note: This movie does not have any restaurants).

Mark:

Matt:

Ok so you know the world-famous Williams Sisters, Venus and Serena? Well this about their dad. So your initial premise was much closer

John:

FUCKING FUCK! Didn’t I previously suggest a movie about the Williams sisters?

Emma:

I actually thought John might know this one through osmosis.

Matt:

Same.

 

Andy:

Next up:

CODA

John:

My initial reaction was “Ah, mob shit.” I feel like old Oscar voters definitely love organized crime movies.

So this is the story of Regiberto, an Italian immigrant who comes to the US in the early 1900s and faces constant harassment and discrimination. He finds work building railroads, and they treat him and his fellow workers like shit. So Regiberto begins suggesting to everyone that they unionize. Someone snitches on him to management, and he’s beaten severely. But Regiberto does not give up, and in the coda he succeeds in unionizing his fellow workers even though hired goons have burned down the shack that he called home.

I think I just accidentally equated union organization with organized crime.

To be clear, they are not the same. Almost always.

Emma:

Very much no points.

So, you’ll notice Andy presented the movie title in all caps. That was no accident, my friend!

John:

Is it an acronym?

Emma:

CODA = Child Of Deaf Adults. And then, of course, coda is a music term.

Andy:

I’mma keep it real here. I would not have done any better with this film whose existence I’d not heard of until this morning.

Matt:

I too would not have done better.

Emma:

CODA is about a teenager who I believe is the only hearing person in her family, so she does a lot for them. Then she gets really into music and/or singing and I think wants to go away to music school, but how will that impact her family?

Mark:

I am a sucker for coming-of-age films, so this has been in my queue for a while.

Emma:

It’s the crowd-pleaser of this Oscars season. I have not seen it.

Matt:

Ohhhhh… wait, I had heard about this!

Andy:

Matt, that’s insensitive.

Emma:

Oh my god.

Matt:

Damn, double canceled today.

Emma:

It was either the Sundance or TIFF audience prize thing.

 

Andy:

Moving on…

Drive My Car

John:

This is 100% an insane plot. There is no chance this has anything to do with driving or cars.

I don’t think anyone fucks a fish man. It’s a coming-of-age story about a girl who has always felt awkward in her own body. And eventually, they realize that they need to be living life as a man. So, they move to another city to start a new life, thus letting their new gender “drive the car”, as it were.

Andy:

This might be one of the few that AREN’T a coming-of-age story.

Matt:

Definitely no points.

John:

If this is about a literal fucking car…

Matt:

Drive My Car is about an older theater director who loses his wife, and while putting on a production of Uncle Vanya has to get a chauffeur who is a younger woman and the relationship that develops between them. It is a Japanese movie.

John:

So Driving Mister Daisy.

Matt:

I mean it’s not about racism, but sure.

 

Andy:

The title of the 10th and final nomination is also John’s motto for this gimmick:

Don’t Look Up  

John:

I think I might have actually absorbed something about this one.

Andy:

There’s a chance

Matt:

So, you’re saying there is a chance…

John:

And it fits my pandemic-adjacent theme from earlier! This is a movie about the utter hopelessness of ever convincing society that they need to work together to stop something from killing them. No matter how much evidence you present or how many emotional appeals you make, there is always a contingent of people that just don’t give a fuck and will not give a fuck even if it kills them. I think in this case they are not giving a fuck about a giant meteor?

Matt:

Yup.

Andy

Clutch basket.

Also never said in the PRP 3-on-3.

Emma:

Someday, we’ll make it happen, guys. Even if I’m only there as cardboard.

 

Matt:

We have a few add ons that were requested if you have a little time still.

John:

Go for it. Lightning round.

Matt:

Okay, this request comes in from Brad…

Emma:

Format it correctly!

Matt:

tick, tick… BOOM!

(had to look up the formatting)

John:

This is the story of a couple who meet via a hookup app (though they make a fake name for it in the movie). They have a habit of sending each other self-destructing sexy pictures (thus the “boom” means both “here’s the dick pic!” and “the dick pic is gone!”). But due to the pandemic, they are unable to meet in person. One day, the dick pics don’t arrive. And the receiver of the dick pics has to piece together the last known location of the sender. Eventually, dick pic receiver uses clues in the background of the last picture he’d seen to determine where to look for the dick pic sender. Dick pic sender had been robbed and his phone taken. They meet and tearfully embrace. Later, they bang.

Emma:

Directed by Lin-Manuel Miranda, tick, tick… BOOM! stars love-of-my-life Andrew Garfield as Jonathan Larson, who created Broadway sensation Rent but tragically died the morning it opened on Off-Broadway. But is the movie about the making of Rent? It is not!

It’s based on his one-man show (later turned into a three-person show) about how his first musical failed to be produced after the workshop stage and his angst about turning 30 before reaching success.

 

Matt:

Okay, one last one.

Pig

John:

What the fuck? Wasn’t there a movie last year called “Horse” or something?

Or Prize Cow?

Emma:

First Cow

John:

Pig is a me-too tale about an absolutely disgusting man who serially harasses and assaults the various women in his life. And they all hate him for it, but he intentionally only does it to those he has some form of power over. I just today learned that this tale could apply to the inventor of the Dewey decimal system.

In the end, he dies.

Matt:

No.

Emma:

John will keep guessing Me Too movies until it happens. Oh wait, I guess Promising Young Woman was close enough. And yet, he continues!

John:

See? And this year we got a pandemic movie! Occasionally I’m right.

Matt:

Pig stars Nic Cage as a man who lives in the woods with his pig and hunts truffles. The Pig gets stolen and he has to search through Portland’s seedy underground high cuisine scene to find his pig.

It’s legitimately really fucking good

John:

That…is amazing.

Matt:

It’s on Hulu! even you could watch it!

John:

I will never see it, but I appreciate that it was made.

Matt:

Might be my favorite movie of the year

 

John:

What was my final tally?

Matt:

3 of 10. Not counting the add ons, which are there for fun.

John:

I was told I’d get 4. Glad I could disappoint the person that believed in me.

Matt:

Andy predicted 3

Emma:

3 was where he set the over/under

John:

And I made all of you lose money on the push!

Andy:

I’m the house. It all goes to me.

Matt:

The house always wins!

John:

Enjoy your newfound cash, Andy. Use it to go buy a big rig and honk at things in Ottawa.

Andy:

I think this is as good a place as any to wrap this up. Or as a great man once said…That’ll do Pig.

Mark:

BOOO

Emma:

No, no, I like it.

Andy:

Mark is jelly.