It’s that time of year again where the tragically-uninformed about movies John learns, in most cases for the first time, the names of the movies nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. Using this newly gleaned information and his general cynicism over what gets nominated by the Academy, he tries to guess the plots of the nominated films.

For an extra challenge this year, we cancelled all moviegoing. Which… really doesn’t change anything for John?

Andy

Alright, it’s time to get everyone’s favourite completely-unrelated-to-Survivor game underway… John guesses what the Best Picture nominees are about!

John

I’m very excited for this year, because I think I’ve hit new highs in movie ignorance.

Andy

tbh, I’m not that far ahead of you. But the game is about John, not me.

Emma

When they’ve been more accessible than ever!

But when motivation to see depressing movies is at an all-time low

Matt

John, we believe in you.

Brad

I don’t.

Matt

This year you will break your own terrible record.

Andy

I believe that John will be awful.

John

I will say that I saw Trolls World Tour last year. So if that’s one of the best picture noms, I know all about it. But that’s the only movie I saw.

Brad

If there was ever a year for it to be nominated

Andy

Let’s start with the only one we think you have a shot at: The Trial of the Chicago 7

John

Oh, you’d think I’d know this just for historical purposes. But this is a historical blind spot for me.

I can at least get close based on basic knowledge of being an American. The Chicago 7 were likely Black. And they were likely either falsely accused or charged with something way more heinous than they actually did.

So they’re on trial for bombing a police station. But the kicker is that the bomb was set by a white supremacist cop. And they’re convicted anyway.

Andy

I’m gonna need the math guy to decide how close to being right this answer is.

Brad

I count five sentences, two of which are correct

John

Is one of them that I saw Trolls World Tour?

Brad

There was only one black defendant and he wasn’t even one of the seven

John

Already the title has lied to me.

Brad

They were arrested on trumped up charges, that’s true

They did not bomb a police station. They were charged with inciting a riot during the 1968 DNC.

And HISTORICAL SPOILER were convicted.

But it was overturned!

Emma

No one told me there would be spoilers.

Andy

History spoiler

John

I was going to add in that it would later be overturned! I should’ve gone with it.

Matt

That might’ve gotten half a point

Emma

Shoulda woulda coulda

Matt

As is, I think this is a miss.

John

No more playing it safe. I’m going for it next time.

Andy

I was hoping he’d guess this was about the Jordan Bulls. Jordan, Pippen, Rodman, Kukoc, Harper, Kerr, Phil Jackson.

Matt

Also this is a Sorkin joint, so you can imagine what it is like

John

Lots of walking and/or talking. Sometimes in combination.

Emma

Poorly written women?

If any at all.

John

That’s all movies.

Andy

There’s always a woman Emma. Who else would be there to learn from the men?

Matt

Also a shaping of their politics to fit Sorkins rather than their actual politics

Emma

Wow, John’s never watched a movie by a female screenwriter.

Mark

How many movies is that, John? Given this is you.

Emma

The sexism jumped out.

Oh wait, may I add a small bonus question about this movie?

John

The women of Trolls World Tour were poorly written.

Emma

Which actor received a nomination for the film?

Brad

Oh that’s good.

Emma

(supporting, but it won’t matter for John)

Matt

I like this bonus question.

Emma

Thank you.

John

I’m guessing the actor’s real name, despite knowing none of the people the actor might have portrayed?

Brad

Yes

John

Matthew McConaughey.

Emma

Should I do the reveal or give a hint?

Andy

I’m just impressed John named an actor.

Brad

Lol

Emma

actual lol

Sacha Baron Cohen

Brad

Now let’s see if John knows who that is

John

They’d never convict Borat!

Matt

John gets it

John

Brad how dare you. The lone genre of movie I enjoy is dumb comedy.

Andy

Okay, let’s move on… Borat 2. Kidding.

Matt

The actress was nominated though!

Emma

But it did get nominations!

Mark

Multiple!

Andy

Okay, actual next movie: The Father

John

Ok, my thinking is that the voters were looking for a heartwarming refugee story here. So The Father is a tale of a man in war-torn Syria who loses his wife in a bombing early in the civil war and attempts to get his kids out of the country and to Canada (not America, because we were…busy). And he sells everything he owns, compromises his values, does things he’ll regret, etc. All to get his children to Canada so they can grow up somewhere safe.

Brad

Big swing, big miss

Matt

We appreciate the effort

John

Big miss by screenwriters, because that’s a best picture right there.

Emma

Hahaha

Andy

Honestly, it’s better if he doesn’t get close with some of these because… I don’t know if I’d know how far off he is?

Mark

I like John’s idea better tbh.

Andy

This is where I admit that I’ve seen none of these.

Mark

Same

Brad

Smh

Matt

Yeah I hadn’t even heard of this one.

John

If you guys have seen none, I’m liking my odds on not knowing any this time.

Brad

I think I’m the most here at five or six of the ten tonight

Andy

It’s unfortunate that this isn’t about the one guy on the Slack who gives everyone financial advice.

That’s what I think of when I hear “The Father”.

John

That movie would be called The Dad, Andy.

Andy

Anyway, this cheerful movie is about an aging writer who is suffering from dementia.

So, add it to your queue John.

John

Damn. This plays into Andy’s idea that the academy loves movies about creating art.

But I tried using that as a guide before and it failed me.

Matt

You always abandon your guides a year too early

John

I’m just waiting for this year’s war movie about WW2.

Matt

Last year it was about WW1!

John

Eh, same villains.

Mark

You mean Trolls World Tour?

Andy

This next movie we actually talked about when it was released… but there’s no way you’d remember.

Mank

John

Wait, Mank is the name?!

Matt

by the way, John is 0-2 so far

Mank is the name

John

I thought you were typing Mark and fucked up.

Emma

lmao

Matt

hahahahaha

Mark

Brb changing my Twitter handle.

Brad

Let’s save all the readers some time and drop the joke: fucking up Mark by typing “Matt”

John

Mank sounds dirty. Like it could go in bro talk.

Andy

It is the dankest of nominated films.

John

They’d never give it to something dirty. So it’s gonna be swing completely wholesome instead.

John

Mank is about a young boy and his little sister dealing with the divorce of his parents. And it’s very difficult for them to process, so they create an imaginary friend named Mank who comforts them while their parents argue.

Matt

Riding that JoJo Rabbit train I see.

John

I feel like Mank is like a Gritty, only less terrifying.

Yeah, this is basically JoJo Rabbit, but with less Hitler.

And maybe an actual rabbit.

Andy

I’m so proud you remembered.

Now we need to see which of these films he thinks involves fish fucking.

John

All of them?

Emma

Okay so no points on that one either.

Mank is about the writing of Citizen Kane.

Mark

The dankest of movies.

John

Was it written by a guy named Mark and he fucked up on the typewriter?

Matt

The writers name is Mankiewicz

Hence… Mank.

John

Oh.

Andy

Hey John: it’s about the making of a movie!

John

Dammit, Andy!

Brad

Hahaha

Matt

Alright 0-3

John might set a new record for futility

Emma

I believe.

Andy

But he can’t try for it. Has to be natural.

Also, as always, don’t ruin this by trying to be funny.

Matt

Right, if you throw this shit John you are banned from baseball

John

I would never.

I am a very legit 0-3.

I know he’s just trying to get me to commit to that theme so I can fail on the rest of these and miss out on the fish fucking or the “capitalists are mean, actually” movie.

Emma

I mean Mank is also a little bit about capitalists being mean.

Andy

Next up: Promising Young Woman

John

Oh!

I’ve at least seen the title of that one mentioned on Twitter.

Matt

You got this one John, I believe

John

This has to be a MeToo movie, right? I think I tried to figure out one last year that would be a MeToo movie, but it makes more sense that it would get delayed.

Brad

Andy stop being mean and let John think. (Editor’s note: Andy made a mean joke here that we edited out.)

Matt

Give us more John.

John

Andy, keep being mean and let John think.

Ok, an actress is in a relatively successful movie early in her career, and people think she might be going places. So she gets attached to another movie produced by a creepy and terrible man.

And there’s lots of buzz around this movie.

Promising Young Woman is about to break out. She’s gonna be a star.

But she has a terrible experience with creepy producer, and she turns to drugs to cope. She tries to leave the movie, and then rumors start to spread about how she’s “difficult”.

She ends up getting replaced in the movie by someone who then does become a legit star.

Producer is never punished.

Brad

That’s a really good pitch.

Matt

Damn I mean what a movie.

Brad

Not correct for the game tho.

Matt

Not even close.

Emma

Alright as the woman and the only one who has seen the movie, allow me:

Brad

We need to get the rights to that story from John.

We all get producers credits.

Andy

Especially Mank.

John

Seasoned screenwriter Mank.

Matt

But we then having a falling out over order of credit and break up.

Emma

Can I tell him the plot now?

Matt

Yes please.

Emma

Med school drop out dedicates her life to get revenge on everyone who contributes to rape culture. Featuring the most weaponized use of casting I’ve ever seen and a very divisive ending.

John

Ooh!

Emma

That’s the most non-spoilery explanation I can give.

Matt

I mean the MeToo stuff was kinda right.

Andy

I feel like we’ve given half points before for something as close as “This is the #MeToo movie”.

Emma

If he had stuck with that…

Matt

Yeah he oversold.

Emma

But he got so detailed!

John

You can’t penalize me for going big!

Brad

We wouldn’t have accepted the first answer, it’s too vague.

Matt

I think he still needed more.

Andy

Matt forced him to change. This is Matt’s fault for pushing him too far.

Matt

I believe in John’s ability!

Andy

Matt wouldn’t accept anything less than more.

Matt is cancelled.

Emma

It was bound to happen eventually.

Matt

Anyway 0-4.

Moving on.

Andy

There’s no room for Matt. Only Mank.

Next up: Minari

John

Damn. Give me something, titles! At least Promising Young Woman offered me a direction. I knew it involved a woman. Probably.

Andy

So much freedom with this one.

You can go anywhere. Paint, John.

Honestly, if he cheated here it would be the funniest one to get in the history of this game.

John

Fuck it, I’m going to lean into Andy’s theory. This one is about a painter (and I swear I’d written that before Andy said paint) who is struggling to make ends meet and sell his art. Then one day he sees a man he feels an instant connection with. He feels like he’s in love, just based on one glance of this man walking past onto the subway or something.

He never gets to speak to this man. But he begins to paint him from memory.

And art buyers are drawn to his depiction of the man, and his art begins to sell. But he is never able to find the man who walked passed him onto the subway. And maybe the man’s name was Minari. Not sure how Minari works into it.

If this is the fish fucking movie I’m going to be so mad.

Matt

ok judges?

Emma

I mean clearly wrong.

Brad

It’s wrong.

Matt

I like the suspense!

Emma

Korean-American family moves to rural Arkansas to start their own farm. At one point the grandma visits. Includes new child star Alan Kim who is the current light of my life. His acceptance speech for the Critics Choice Awards is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. (Minari is an edible plant native to East Asia).

John

“Grandma visits a farm in Arkansas” is quite the narrative for a best picture.

Brad

The Korean immigrant part has more to do with it

Emma

None of us have seen the movie, so it’s hard to get more specific.

Brad

I want to!

Emma

So do I!

Mark

Me too!

John

Not me!

Mark

Can you do Watch Parties with paid rentals?

Emma

No.

Emma

Instead, last weekend we watched Pride & Prejudice and Shrek.

John

It’s called Pride, Prejudice, and Shrek, Emma.

There’s an Oxford comma.

Emma

God, what a movie that would be.

Matt

ok 0-5

Keep on topic people.

Andy

Since when is that a rule?

When has staying on topic EVER been a rule around here?

Like… we’re a Survivor website and yet.

 

Next movie… Nomadland

John

Now this is something I can sink my teeth into.

I was going to say it was a movie about a man that ends up in the Canadian wilderness and fights a bear. But I think that movie actually happened? And it was Leo DiCaprio or someone that fought the bear?

So it’s not that.

Matt

You remembered the plot of The Revenant, good job

John

This one is about a diplomat who goes to work in Afghanistan (I’m going specific as hell), and his daughter is sent to school with local children. She has some crazy culture shock, but both learns from and teaches her classmates. Then an American bomb kills someone the locals all know, and the daughter is a severe outcast. The relationships are frayed, but the daughter proves to be a more adept diplomat than her father when she manages to convince the locals that Americans are the good guys.

I feel good about this one. (I do not).

Andy

CORRECT

(I actually don’t know what this one is about)

Matt

He is very wrong

Emma

Now I’m worried he doesn’t know what nomad means.

John

Nomadic lifestyles are not a historical blindspot for me.

Ok, someone hit me with the real plot.

Matt

I actually thought there was an off-chance John would be familiar with the nomad phenomenon.

Brad

Also, the academy is not nominating a movie where Americans are good guys.

John

Brad, have you never seen a Clint Eastwood movie?

Brad

Oh damn that’s right.

John

I mean, I haven’t. But I assume you have.

Brad

Gran Torino was only a few years ago.

Andy

Or, you know, WWII movies?

Brad

Historical dramas are different

Matt

Ok so, Nomadland follows a woman, played by Frances McDormand, who is forced to live out of her van and travel the country seeking short term work. There is a entire culture and phenomenon around this happening in the US right now, mainly because a lot of people were displaced from their homes due to the Financial Crisis in 08-09.

John

You’re fucking kidding me.

Matt

No…?

John

I decide not to go literal with it and it’s about a woman living a nomadic lifestyle?!

Matt

… yes

Emma

Also she’s from a company town that just straight-up ceased to exist.

Matt

Yes correct Emma.

Emma

It’s not our fault you make poor strategic decisions, John.

Matt

0-6

John

I genuinely was going to guess that it was about someone living from their car. But again, too literal.

Matt

Too bad you didn’t.

Emma

Sometimes titles are accurate.

Matt

John is second-guessing himself at every turn here.

He’s in his own head.

John

If this next one is called Boy with Imaginary Hitler Friend, I’m gonna nail it.

Brad

Hahaha

Emma

I mean The Trial of the Chicago 7 was literal.

John

True.

Andy

Next up:
Judas and the Black Messiah

John

Is this a Spike Lee movie?

Andy

No hints from the audience.

John

That sounds very much like a Spike Lee title.

Ok, this one is about a character who is suspiciously Malcolm X-esque. And he’s getting a following and trying to convince Black people to band together to fight for rights that won’t just be handed to them.

But there’s a person in his inner circle who sells him out to the FBI when the main character disrespects him in some way. Possibly by dating a woman that Judas was interested in.

Andy

FUCKING NAILED IT

Emma

I say a half point!

Brad

Half point

Matt

I’m going full point.

John

YES!

Emma

No way.

Brad

I’ll explain the movie and we can compare.

Andy

That’s a point. You guys are expecting too much.

Matt

I’m with Andy.

Andy

I feel like you’ve forgotten the spirit of this game.

John

Matt believes in me and wants me to succeed.

Emma

Fred Hampton was a real person.

Andy

Correct.

Emma

He thinks this is pure fiction.

John

I never said it’s pure fiction.

Andy

He did not say that.

Matt

Whether or not its fiction does not impact the plot.

Anyway, let Brad explain.

Emma

“Suspiciously Malcolm X-esque”. He also calls the wrong character Judas, but that may be more of a misunderstanding of the Bible than anything.

John

The Bible is another blindspot for me.

Brad

Fred Hampton (Black Messiah) was a black panther from Chicago, founder of the rainbow coalition Bill O’Neal (Judas) was an informant (indeed for the FBI as opposed to CPD) who was in Hampton’s inner circle and ANOTHER HISTORICAL SPOILER couldn’t extract himself before Hampton was assassinated by the FBI.

Now that I think about it, full point.

John

Hell yes.

Brad

The only thing John got wrong was Judas’s motivation.

Matt

And how fictional/real it was.

Emma

Also the spirit of the game is that John doesn’t see movies or ads for them, not that he’s not able to guess what titles mean.

Andy

… I think that Emma truly doesn’t know what the spirit of the game is.

Emma

No, I think it’s been so long that you’ve forgotten.

Andy

The game is literally to see if John can guess what a movie is about based on the title.

John

Next movie!

Matt

I’m scoring it 1 out of 7

Andy

BECAUSE he has no other information.

Emma

Yes but the reasons he can’t guess are because he has no information.

Brad

Let’s point out here that we lost the perfect game.

Emma

Not because we all think titles are wacky.

John

You guys are trying to ruin my hot streak. Of one.

Andy

Let’s keep the streak going… final nominee. Sound of Metal

Emma

I don’t even know what this one is about!

John

Fuck it, this one is literal. This is all about the rise of Metallica. They go from garage band to heavy metal sensations, partying hard and selling out stadiums as they make your eardrums bleed. Then they get all super capitalist and fight against Napster, and the band nearly breaks apart and as I’m typing this I feel like maybe there was already a Metallica movie?

But I’m going with it. Ride the lightning, as they say.

Andy

There was a Metallica movie.

This… is not another one.

Matt

Also this is about heavy metal

John

Lead?

Andy

Yeah, you were in the neighbourhood.

But… not on the right street.

Brad

Low hanging fruit to say heavy metal.

John

Genuinely thought Matt was going for a periodic table joke there and I dug it.

Matt

Weirdo

I think had he the theme maybe?

Andy

A heavy metal drummer begins to lose his sense of hearing.

Matt

Ok those are the 8 best picture nominees, you went 1 for 8.

But wait, there’s more!

We have added two for fun

First among the added movies: First Cow

John

Hahahahaha

I know what I want this one to be about.

A Jimmy Carter-esque figure ascends to the White House, bringing along his country ways and his country animals, allowing his prize cow to graze on the White House lawn.

Brad

Hahahaha

Matt

Excellent guess.

Emma

I wish.

Andy

Sign me up.

Matt

Completely wrong.

Brad

That should be nominated, but the academy is TOO SCARED.

Mark

Amazing.

John

I feel like Matt would watch that one. It’s adjacent to the animal movies he does watch.

Emma

It could be the next Babe!

Andy

The cow would need to play sports to be in Matt’s wheelhouse.

John

That’ll do, cow.

Matt

First Cow is about a wealthy man in the Oregon Country who brings the first dairy cow to the region. Two men then start sneaking onto his land at night to milk the cow in order to bake biscuits that they then sell. Hi-jinx ensue.

(ok maybe not hi-jinx)

Mark

For the record this is the only movie of these I have seen.

John

You chose well. This sounds like a winner.

Matt

1 for 9!

Andy

Let’s finish this off.

Matt

God I’m excited.

John

Well, I now know the last one is the fish fucking movie.

Andy

omg

John

Congratulations, you played yourself by waiting for the end.

Matt

Last movie:

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

John

Oh no.

Emma

Hahahaha

What have you done?

Brad

Careful now John

Andy

This is OUR #MeToo moment.

John

I’m about to get cancelled.

Mark

Go for it.

Matt

You’ve come back from it before.

Mark

There are no wrong answers.

John

I think this chat has proven that to be incorrect.

Matt

There have in fact been 8 wrong answers.

Emma

There are almost exclusively wrong answers.

John

The protagonist, a man named Manfred Rainey, grows up in a repressive town. He’s unable to express himself or his sexuality until he finally moves away in his early 20s. Once he does, he becomes a drag queen named Ma Rainey.

Now the part that has me hung up is whether the Black Bottom in question would be about Ma Rainey’s own physique. Because I don’t think they’d make a bottom reference about…you know, bottoming.

So I’ll say that it’s just about Ma Rainey’s ass.

Brad

Anything else?

John

Obviously he becomes a star.

And even performs for his small town.

Brad

Ma Rainey is a successful blues singer who has travelled to Chicago for a recording session. The film all takes place in an afternoon, largely focused on the theme of how white society exploits black culture and never pays black artists their due

Okay, now my question is: Who plays Rainey in your version? Who have you cast as this drag queen?

John

Matthew McConaughey.

Andy

John

Brad

Matt

Mark

Emma