Those of you who were around last year know that we started a tradition a few years ago on Oscar nominations day of asking John what he thinks the nominated Best Picture films are about. Because not only does John basically never watch movies, he doesn’t even HEAR about movies. Despite being privy to a channel in Slack dedicated to movies (although let’s be real here, most of that discussion is about either superhero movies or rom coms).

Since we let you all in on the process last year, I see no reason why we shouldn’t do it again. And the nominees are…

John:
I just want to start by noting that it’s entirely possible I watched zero movies last year. I know the last two movies I saw were Get Out and The Post, but I don’t know if I watched those in 2018.

Andy:
And I want to start by reminding you of Emma’s edict: don’t ruin this by trying to be funny.

John:
It’s the wisest thing Emma has ever said.

Emma:
Thank you

John:
The lowest of bars.

Emma:
No. You were ruining something magical and I saved it.

John:
It’s true.

Andy:
Alright… let’s get this started.

Black Panther

John:
Oh, good choice to start, because there’s no way I could’ve avoided knowing what this one is.

Andy:
Yeah. Getting it out of the way.

John:
I was already aware of the comic. I don’t know much about the plot of the movie, though. I know that Wakanda and doing the cross-chest symbol was a big thing.

So I’ll say Black Panther protects Wakanda from… OH! Killmonger! That’s the villain, maybe? Just remembered that as I was typing. So yes, Black Panther saves Wakanda from Killmonger.

Andy:
Alright, this one we’ve talked about a lot here, but I think we’ve never actually talked at all about what it’s about.

Green Book

John:
I know this one gets the memorial Three Billboards Problematic Movie award this year.

So it’s definitely about race. But since it’s problematic, it’s got to be something about how black characters have no agency of their own, and they are only able to succeed with the help of benevolent whites.

Andy:
I’m gonna need something less generic.

John:
I’m still thinking this one through! Green Book is not a super helpful title, though.

Emma:
It could be. If you knew about things.

John:
Let’s not set the bar so high here, Emma. Okay, a benevolent white person publishes a green book that is like a how-to guide for black people to gain civil rights.

Emma:
This is why we do this.

John:

And it details how to protest in ways that white people will appreciate and respect. Which is hilarious, since those don’t actually exist.

Was I close?

Emma:
Okay so green books are actually guides (written by black people) about where the safe and unsafe places in the South are, i.e. sundown towns, what hotels will let you stay there, etc. Although I’ve heard they barely do anything with the titular green book in the movie.

Brad:
John, crediting white people for the work of black people. Conservative through and through.

John:
I’m not crediting the white people; I’m saying the writer is.

Andy:
Okay, well… he’s not far off with that statement.

Emma:
Mahershala Ali is a pianist and hires Viggo Mortenson to drive him around the South for his concerts. Linda Cardelini is the wife at home. I guess he writes her love letters with the help of Mahershala.

Andy:
It’s basically a reverse Driving Miss Daisy.

Emma:
Oh and Peter Farrelly directed it, which is v weird.

John:
The Dumb and Dumber guy?

Emma:
Yes

John:
Amazing.

Emma:
And the credited screenwriter said that he saw Muslims celebrated 9/11 in NJ, so we don’t love that.

John:
Oh, I think I saw something about the writer. I just didn’t realize he wrote this one.

Or I did and forgot.

Andy:
I’m saying. We talk about this movie without ever talking about what it’s about.

Emma:
None of us have seen it.

Andy:
BlacKkKlansman

(Is the title of the next movie)

John:
Ah, that’s the Spike Lee movie.

John:
I’m gonna be 2 for 3 here, because that’s about a black guy joining the KKK.

Andy:
This is very disappointing.

John:
But does he take down the KKK, like one of those weird Tarantino movies? Like the Nazi one?

Emma:
ehh

Andy:
I’ll let you know tomorrow. (Or the day after that)

John:
I feel like “black man joins KKK” is enough to get me the points for this one.

Andy:
Let’s reverse this awful trend by moving on to the next movie.

The Favourite

John:
Oh, I know this is a movie with lots of women. Maybe an all-woman cast? And it has a Canadian/British u in there.

Andy:
Good detective work. Unless I misspelled the title out of habit.

John:
Favorite makes me think sports, like this movie would be about an overdog. But I’m trying to think of what kind of women’s sports story would be Oscar-worthy.

Unless it’s like The Post, where it’s just a boring ass cut-and-dry telling of actual events?

I guess it could be about women’s tennis? If it’s about real world events, then it’s some kind of Monica Seles vs. Steffi Graf story.

Okay, no, it’s about a woman who was groomed all her life to be the best tennis player in the world. Thus, she’s the favourite. And she’s a Euro, which is why they spelled the title incorrectly.

Emma:
Who are the stars?

John:
Rachel Weisz!

And I have no idea who else. ScarJo? She’s in Oscar movies sometimes, I think.

Andy:
Why do you know that? Wait… you know Rachel Weisz?

Oh… because of that Reductress article.

Emma:
Because of the Reductress headline in bro talk.

John:
I know what Google image search showed me. And the coach is Meryl Streep. We’re gonna Oscar the fuck out of this movie.

Emma:
Okay has he answered enough that we can rule yay or nay? Or is there more?

Andy:
I ruled nay before he ever responded.

John:
Bold choice.

Emma:
Incredibly wrong, but an extra special touch is that Emma Stone, who is nominated for best supporting actress in this film (along with the aforementioned Rachel Weisz) played Billie Jean King in Battle of the Sexes last year.

So close, but so far.

John:
Damn. Off by one year.

Andy:
Bohemian Rhapsody

John:
Man, the nominees are too easy this year. I watched zero fucking movies! This should be harder!

Andy:
I know. I’m not happy about this.

John:
It’s the story of Freddie Mercury. And he’s portrayed by theI, Robotguy.

Emma:
Will Smith

Andy:
Will Smith is not… typing cat.
(He really isn’t typing cat)

John:
Oh, Mr. Robot.

Matt:
He means Mr. Robot but that is an amazing typo.

John:
That would be quite a casting choice. “Who can we get to play Freddie Mercury? Is the Fresh Prince available?”

Emma:
Also, I have an idea. We already said what Green Book is about, but maybe we can have Johnreact to the trailers of the movies he gets wrong

Andy:
Now you’re trying to ruin a good thing.

Emma:
After this is done, I mean.

Andy:
Making John watch 2.5 minutes of a movie is a bridge too far.

John:
Good looking out, Andy.

Okay, hit me with a fish-fucking movie!

Andy:
Vice

John:
Unless Dick Cheney fucks a fish, this ain’t it. I’m seriously disappointed in the Academy this year.

Andy:
I fucking hate this year’s nominees. Christmas is ruined.

John:
I even debated watching Vice. But why relive the horrors of the recent past?

Emma:
Oh come on, he thought The Favourite was about tennis! That’s still fun.

John:
What was it about?

Andy:
It’s not the same.

Set in the early 18th century, the story examines the relationship between two cousins vying to be court favourites of Queen Anne. OF COURSE

John:
If only they competed for her love on the tennis court. [Editor’s note: I’m so crushed I didn’t make a love/tennis joke here].

Emma:
Queen Anne and her favorite member of the court/lover, and then Emma Stone decides to become the favorite/ lover.

John:
Oh. This movie sounds way better than my proposed plot.

Emma:
It is. It’s also way weirder than it sounds. Nicholas Hoult is a dandy, there are rabbits everywhere.

John:
I don’t know who that is.

Brad:
Nicholas Hoult can get it

Emma:
Rachel Weisz in pants. It’s great.

Andy:
You’re losing him Emma.

Brad:
There’s duck racing.

Emma:
Rachel Weisz with a gun.

John:
You guys are selling past the close.

Andy:
We probably should spam bro-talk with Nicholas Hoult pics.

Brad:
Do it. [Editor’s note: sharing bro-talk is a serious violation of Slack code. But feel free to share Nicholas Hoult pics in comments]

Matt:
Go back to the game

Andy:
Next: A Star is Born

John:
God dammit, you guys.

Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper sing stuff.

Emma:
I mean, there is a plot.

John:
Aren’t Oscar movies usually more obscure than this? Is this an aberration?

Emma:
You had four shots to know the plot of this movie

Brad:
Lol

John:
I only know it’s about Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga as singers. And I think Cooper is the titular star.

Andy:
WRONG!

Brad:
Oh wow.

Matt:
Anyway it’s amazing that John got the star being born wrong.

Brad:
Truly.

John:
I had a 50/50 chance.

Brad:
It could’ve been their child.

Emma:
But like, he’s older.

John:
Oh, a literal birth.

Andy:
John doesn’t want to live in a world where Gaga isn’t the star.

Emma:
This movie has been made four times.

John:
Ohhhh… that’s the “four shots” thing?

Emma:
yeah

John:
I had no idea what you meant.

If this next movie isn’t Fish Fuckers 2…

Andy:
Roma

John:
I’ve heard of it, at least. Making this probably the first year in a long time I’ve heard of every nominee.

WW2/Nazi movies are always Oscar bait, so I’ll assume this is the lesser-told story about the persecution of the Roma in WW2-era Germany?

Brad:
I feel like that needs more detail.

Andy:
I feel like Brad is messing with John. 

John:
You should ask about a different category, like short film or something. These sucked.

Emma:
That’s rich coming from someone who was just so very wrong right there. We could pull from some of the acting nominees though.

Matt:
We should do that.

Andy:
But then we’d need to know what At Eternity’s Gate is about. And I feel there’s a good chance we’re all Johns on that one.

Emma:
No, I’ve seen the trailer. Anyway, Roma is about the life of a domestic worker in Mexico City.

Brad:
I want to hear If Beale Street Could Talk.

Emma:
WHICH WAS ROBBED

Brad:
(Which should be nominated for BP)

Emma:
Infuriating.

John:
Why is it called Roma, then?

Emma:
That’s the neighborhood.

John:
Ah.

Emma:
It’s largely based on Alfonso Cuaron’s life, except with the focus on the maid/nanny.

John:
Sure.

Emma:
He’s just a kid who gets slapped in the face and ho boy does Cuarón not like his father (with just cause!)

Andy:
Does Emma think John cares about what these are really about, or is she just showing off?

Emma:
SORRY FOR THINKING WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT OSCAR MOVIES IN A CONVERSATION ABOUT OSCAR MOVIES

He did ask why it had the title.

Andy:
This isn’t a conversation about Oscar movies. It’s a conversation about John’s ignorance.

John:
Anyway, If Beale Street Could Talk is something about the birth of jazz music.

Brad:
Is that racist?

Matt:
Oh go on…

John:
Like one of those famous old-timey jazz names learns how to play, and his unconventional style is dismissed at first. But then he finds an audience that loves it.

And there’s probably racism involved, and the white audiences love his music but hate him.

Emma:
Did John just accidentally describe Green Book?

Andy:
I’d give him points

Emma:
Anyway, very wrong.

John:
Andy just said he’d give me points!

Andy:
If that was for Green Book.

Emma:
You fool.

Andy:
I give John 4.5 out of 8 for the nominees, deducting half a point for guessing that Bradley Cooper was the Star being Born.

John:
That’s gotta be a record.

Emma:
Too many obvious titles based on true stories.

Andy:
Last year I gave you a generous 4 out of 9. You lucked out with the two WWII movies.

John:
I keep wanting to employ Andy’s idea about how the academy loves movies about art itself, but it’s often hard to figure that plot into certain titles.

Andy:
Interestingly, they didn’t love those movies as much this year. Or at least, as much, what with the Bradley Cooper snub.

Matt:
Anyway Beale Street is about a black man wrongfully accused of rape. No jazz.

John:
Any others, or are we done here?

Emily:
Can You Ever Forgive Me?

John:
No.

Andy:
I’m done. Don’t want to keep chasing waterfalls in hoping you’ll rekindle the magic. If the Academy wanted to nominate films that would challenge John, they would have.

There you have it folks. Feel free to use this space to comment on the nominations or whatever.