Unbelievably, on this week’s Survivor, Rodney dropped a reference to Luc Longley, who has to be the most obscure former NBA player referenced on the show who wasn’t actually a participant. To do the math, Rodney was around 7 years old when the big Australian last won a title with the Bulls, so that was a pretty deep pull.

Perhaps even more unbelievably, this was the second reference to the late 90s Bulls on this season of Survivor. And since the only thing I obsess about as much as Survivor is the NBA, it only made sense that I check young Rodney’s claims to be either Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, or Luc Longley and decide, once and for all, who in this cast compares to the team that won three straight titles from 1996-98.

Jenn Brown = Michael Jordan

Sorry Rodney, as much as you might like to be, you are not like Mike. (Nor is Mike like Mike, for that matter). Jenn is the true superstar of the season so far, crushing people’s hopes and dreams and talking trash while doing it. Don’t just take my word for it, Will thinks so too:

https://youtu.be/wJ2hApncums?t=49s

Hali Ford = Scottie Pippen

Rodney’s references were in relation to his perceived relationship with Mike as a pairing. But it’s Jenn and Hali that are the true dynamic duo of the game so far. And just like Pippen, Hali is letting Jenn soak up the spotlight while she does all the little things to help her team win. She’s the one that’s seems more approachable and better at maintaining the social relationships this duo is going to need to advance. Jenn might get the buckets, but make sure you give Hali the assists.

Mike Holloway = Luc Longley

Sorry Rodney. While we really appreciate the reference, you’re not Longley either. Big, gregarious, long limbs, the guy you were talking to meets the criteria better. Plus, I’d put Mike in the starting five in terms of people left who have a shot to win the game. Rodney’s strictly on the bench for that one.

Rodney Lavoie Jr = Bison Dele (Brian Williams)

It’s probably best that Rodney didn’t make this comp, because if he had, I wouldn’t be able to write this post on account of my brain exploding. The Bulls picked up Williams near the end of the season of the second championship of this run to be a valuable back-up big. He was a weird dude that was certainly a character, so I think it’s a fit. On the plus side, he’s the other Bull rumoured to have dated Madonna, and I know it’s important to Rodney that his athlete role models have landed famous hot chicks.

Joe Anglim = Tony Kukoc

He’s got all the tools and came into the game with a ton of hype from those in charge of the franchise, but Joe hasn’t yet become the superstar he was purported to be. A very good player. But not a superstar. Luckily, he has also shown an ability to win games for the team while everyone else sits and watches.

Shirin Oskooi = Dennis Rodman

They’re both… let’s say… eccentric? We shall see if Shirin shares the Worm’s ability to rebound. Also: Dennis Rodman is easily the most likely Bull to have shared monkey sex stories in the locker room.

Max Dawson = Jack Haley

Dennis Rodman’s best friend on the team, Haley was the biggest cheerleader on the bench (a spot he rarely ever left). If you follow the cast on twitter, it’s obvious that this is Max’s role in the post-show promotion of the season. Haley’s other role was babysitting Rodman, lest he get too weird. That didn’t work out as well for Max.

Sierra Dawn Thomas = Ron Harper

The Bulls destroyed teams by employing a trio of long-limbed bloodhounds that disrupted every offence in Jordan, Pippen, and Harper. Look at Sierra. She’s all limbs. She’s also probably the fifth most significant player on her team. Hey, still a starter tho!

Carolyn Rivera = Robert Parish

Too mean? Probably too mean.

Vince Sly = Phil Jackson

Each have spent significant time at Burning Man.

Tyler Fredrickson = Steve Kerr

You might think Joe Kleine is a better fit, looks-wise (if you’re the type that can instantly access the knowledge that Joe Kleine was a person who played on these teams), but Kerr’s the right choice. Cerebral, understated, Kerr always let the game come to him (which was generally stationed outside the arc). Tyler also has a history of hitting three pointers.

Kelly Remington = Jason Caffey

Both are players all but the most dedicated fans will only realize played when looking up the roster online. Even then, most will be all: who?

Dan Foley = Bill Wennington

Big man. Bearded. Plodding. Backs up Luc Longley.

Will Sims II – John Salley

Comic relief. Mostly along for the ride. Probably doesn’t pay too much attention when the plays are called in the time outs.

Joaquin Souberbielle = Dickie Simpkins

In our preview podcast, John called Joaquin a “sentient erection”, so…

 

What do you think? Did I nail it? Should I have just made something up for a Randy Brown/Nina comp? Do you know someone that had a 10 day contract with the team that can be the So Kim? Do Lindsey’s tattoos make her more of a Rodman? Have I wrung every last drop of content out of a 5 second clip of one episode?

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Andy thinks that John Salley is the most likely of these Bulls to make a Cliff Robinson-like appearance on Survivor. He also thinks that Michael Jordan would get to the final Tribal Council, but then suffer a Russell Hantzian jury reaction. You can follow him on Twitter at @andy_sayers, where he’s more likely to be tweeting about basketball than Survivor, but never seems to watch either live.