For reasons that escape us, one of the most enduring ideas among Survivor fans is to have an All First Boot season. Bleeding heart fans feel pity for those poor unfortunate souls who were eliminated just as their Survivor adventures start, and think they should get another shot.

John and I don’t agree with that. We think it’s a terrible idea for a very simple reason: a lot of people who were eliminated first suck. Collecting them into a single season seems to be a recipe for disaster. To prove it, we cast an all first boot season so you all could see how terrible it would be, so we never have to discuss it again.

To listen to us discuss this list, skip to the 51 minute mark of this podcast: http://purplerockpodcast.wordpress.com/2014/11/07/the-purple-rock-survivor-podcast-san-juan-del-sur-episode-7-million-dollar-decision/

The Rules

1. We made it a 16 player season, to allow us to actually exclude some people and easily manage two tribes split evenly by gender. I picked 8 players for one tribe, Jon picked 8 for another.
2. We drafted our teams snake-style, John getting pick one, me getting the next two, him getting the next two, etc, until he gets the last pick.
3. Returnees don’t count. The idea behind this is to give people another shot at Survivor who didn’t get much of one. First boots in All-Star and half-All-Star seasons don’t count (with one obvious exception). So no Tina, Johnny Fairplay, Sugar, or Rupert.
4. First boot is the first player eliminated from the game, whether they were voted out or not. So One World’s first was Kourtney Moon, who was medevaced, not Nina Acosta. Jonathan and Wanda were the first eliminated from Palau, even if they weren’t voted out.
5. Players eliminated before the show aired don’t count, which has happened in Fiji, Blood vs Water, and San Juan del Sur.
6. Players current ages were taken into consideration. So while we’d love to have the very first boot in Survivor history, Sonja Christopher (with the ukulele, of course), we’re not putting a 77 year old woman on the show. We’re not interested in killing our contestants (unlike international editions of this show).

The Tribes

Team John

Francesca Hogi
Redemption Island and Caramoan
Age: 41

The patron saint of first boots, Franny obviously is the exception to our “no returnees” rule, since she was a first boot twice. Frankly, if they were to do a first boot season (and they shouldn’t), there would be no point in doing it without her. And while I actually like Francesca, I’d be disappointed in this entire cast if they didn’t go for the #threepeat and vote her out first. For tradition’s sake.

Chicken Morris
China
Age: 55

DAMN! That’s about all we remember about Chicken, the way he shouted after being voted out. So, sure, bring him back.

Jessica deBen
Fiji
Age: 35

She’s pretty.

Zane Knight
Philippines
Age: 30

Tips for his second trip out: quit smoking more than the day before you leave for the island and don’t employ the “I’ll ask everyone to vote me out first” strategy.

Semhar Tadese
South Pacific
Age: 28

As a poet, she’s probably pretty annoying. And we don’t get the impression she even watches Survivor. We also think she’s a decent bet to quit were she to last more than 3 days. But, she posted this picture on Instagram. So she’s in.

Kourtney Moon
One World
Age: 32

Poor Kourtney was medevaced after breaking her hand in the first immunity challenge of the season, after which an grapefruit-sized tumour was discovered in her abdomen. So if anyone deserves another shot at the show, it’s her. However, we’ve heard rumours suggesting that she may be battling cancer again, so if that’s the case, there’s plenty of other first boot women to take her place.

Ryan Aiken
The Amazon
Age: 35

Booted because Rob Cesternino decided he should be. Also, sucked at walking across balance beams. He’s the muscle of this tribe.

Jim Lynch
Guatemala – The Mayan Empire
Age: 72

72’s not too old, right? He is a former Marine and Fire Captain, so I bet he’s hardy enough to make it. Provided they don’t start the season with a 11-mile hike. How old was Rudy for All-Stars?

Team Andy

David Samson
Cagayan
Age: 46

Let’s get the stunt-casting out of the way early. As bad as he was playing the post-merge game pre-game, he’s still a star in this motley crew. Also, he wasn’t exactly wrong in opposing Garrett and J’Tia. Maybe his talent evaluation skills aren’t so poor after all?

Nadiya Anderson
San Juan del Sur — Blood vs. Water
Age: 28

Natalie has been one of the few bright spots of this season. No reason to assume Nadiya couldn’t have been as well.

Jonathan Libby
Palau
Age: 33

He finally gets picked! Look, if you’re doing Survivor casting based on how bad you feel for the people, then nobody got more of a raw deal than Jonathan. Well, okay, Wanda too. But she can stay out of the game. Poor guy was never even on a tribe. Plus, it’d be nice to remove him from the trivia listing of “people who were never voted out of the game”. Unless he won. Someone has to.

Carolina Eastwood
Tocantins – The Brazilian Highlands
Age: 32

Voted out for annoying people. Drafted back in for… that photo in that bikini. Maybe David Murphy can propose to her at the reunion again?

Sekou Bunch
Cook Islands
Age: 54

Decided to be the leader of the Black tribe in Survivor: Race Wars. Rest of the tribe decided otherwise. Maybe he’d do better in situation where you need more than a majority of three to decide your fate?

Brook Geraghty
Vanuatu — Islands of Fire
Age: 37

Chris Daughtry’s early plan in Vanuatu was to vote out all the strong dudes on his team (a group he did not belong to). They targeted Brook first. So does that mean he might’ve been the strongest? I honestly don’t remember.

Wendy DeSmidt-Kohlhoff
Nicaragua
Age: 51

If she couldn’t fit in with the awful people in Nicaragua, then maybe she isn’t so bad?

Marisa Calihan
Samoa
Age: 31

Not dumb enough to be in Russell Hantz’s dumb girl alliance. That’s a good thing, right?

 

There you have it, the shining stars people are yearning for when they talk about an all first boot season. Sure, you may have picked Debb Eaton or Peter Harkey instead of some of these. Hard to imagine it would’ve made it any better.

Instead, let’s hope Survivor sticks to bringing people back that don’t suck.