Before we start, it’s self pep talk time: I’m gonna keep this professional. This isn’t about what I want, it’s about getting you all excited about the gift we’re all receiving here. I will keep thirst out of it. I can do this! Deep breaths.

Ok. I’m good. I think I’m ready.

It’s time to talk about MOTHERFUCKING SURVIVOR GODDESS KIM SPRADLIN!

You may remember Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin from such previous dominant performances as One World and…that’s fucking it, because that’s somehow the only time she’s played Survivor. And it’s not like they forgot One World existed! They inexplicably brought back Kat, Monica, and fucking Troy from that cast- and we had to endure two of them until final tribal council! (Ok, that was uncalled for. Monica was fine. She was a neat lady. I’ve just never met a nice person.)

But it’s a new year. 2020 is a year for correcting mistakes of the past. And with Kim here, one of those mistakes has finally been corrected (we’ll get to correcting another one later this year). Can you imagine an all-winners season without one of the greatest winners ever? Who else is even in the conversation for most dominant winner ever? Let’s ask Kim herself:

Look at this fucking icon. All of us should live our lives with a “Sssssssssss…actually I’m gonna say me” level of confidence. On second thought, that’s not true. A lot of us suck. Not you, because the very fact that you’re reading this proves that you’re a person with impeccable taste. But those other people? They suck. You know the ones.

Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin, on the other hand, is a legend. And she knows it. Humility is for the weak! Around here, we appreciate earned arrogance- if you’re great, you can flex that greatness in the face of others (it’s why I’m the only one allowed to write hype posts- no one else is equipped to handle this). And don’t you fucking start with the argument that her arrogance isn’t earned. Yes, she dominated One World and swatted down the rest of those dummies like Dikembe Mutombo, wagging her finger in their faces as she blocked their shot at the million.

What the fuck was Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin supposed to do? It’s not her fault that she was so much better than the competition. She couldn’t just play down to their level. In fact, she even explicitly said that she was going to take the two best players left- Sabrina and Chelsea- to the end, because she knew she could beat them. She didn’t get a unanimous win, but the fact that she didn’t get Troy’s vote should be considered a mark of honor since- as anyone who has been around this site for any length of time knows- “Troyzan” fucking sucks.

Of course, when you’re insanely successful at what you do, you’re going to have some haters. And the haters would argue that Kim (look at the haters, not even calling her by her full name!) wouldn’t be nearly as dominant against a group of better Survivor players. If only there were some way to dispute that argument, perhaps by discerning what better Survivor players actually think about Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin.

Oh, but there is. Let’s hit em with the receipts! Sophie, what say you?

Imagine having the confidence to even attempt that flattery. Sure, Sophie brushes it off and acts as though she didn’t fall for it. But on an island, starving and tired, Sophie would’ve eaten that line up. Because Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin delivers that praise with a rich, decadent coating of charm that makes it so much more appetizing than when a mere mortal praises you. It might not make sense to believe her, but you so desperately want to. She did this shit to Devens, too:

She even worked her magic on Rob C:

Sure, it’s bullshit. But it’s served so well! She’s the Steph Curry of the social game, taking those shots that no reasonable human would take and somehow hitting all of them as the crowd just shrugs and says, “I guess humans can do that now?”

“But John,” the haters say, in a manner that suggests they are about to ask me a very stupid fucking question, “What happens when she tries that shit on someone with the same superpower? They’d see right through it!” Oh, would they? Let’s test this very stupid theory. Malcolm, what did you think of Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin?

“Oh sure,” the haters say, because they are persistent as fuck and refuse to accept any and all evidence that goes against what they want to believe, “But that’s a straight man. They’re weak. Could her magic possibly work on an equally charming woman? I’d like to see you present evidence for that, preferably by excerpting an interview with that equally charming woman and also linking to the full interview because the interviewers deserve my clicks.” Well, extremely specific and remarkably benevolent haters, chew on this quote from Parvati’s interview with Gordon Holmes:

Shallow: I’m Instagram friends with Kim Spradlin. I’ve never met her in my life, but I have a huge Instagram crush on her.

Hold on. I’m gonna need a second.

Ok, I’m good.

Wait. Nope. Nope, I’m not.

Deep breaths again.

Aaand I’m back. That was a close call. What was I saying? Oh yes, Parvati! Parv also had this to say in her interview with Dalton Ross:

What about the other women that you’re here with? Is there anyone here that you’re thinking, I really would like to work with this person?
I would love to work with Kim. I really would. And I hope that she is open to working with me because I just think that we could get a lot done together. She’s smart, she’s really likable, she’s super strong. She seems like a loyal person.

This isn’t some fanboy falling victim to the charms of Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin. This is fucking Parvati, a master of the craft!

None of this should be surprising if you’d bothered to pay attention to her game. Of course her charms work on women- she won her season by taking a group of six women to the end! The two most memorable and successful women’s alliances in the show’s history were the Black Widow Brigade led by Cirie and Parvati, and the Great Value Clearance Aisle Black Widow Brigade led by Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin.

But what if- stay with me now- what if a women’s alliance happened again in this season filled with legends?

No, it could never. We should temper our expectations. We’ll only get disappointed when it doesn’t happen, right?

The fuck is wrong with you?! This is a motherfucking hype post! GET HYPE FOR THE WOMEN’S ALLIANCE!

Were you too hype to watch the video at that link? It’s cool, I got you. All you need to know is that Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin flat-out tells you this:

“It’s going to be a women’s alliance again. The women are going to the end- the moms are going to the end.”

Who would she team up with to form this Mom Squad? The only available options for a moms alliance are Sandra, Amber, Parvati, Denise, and Danni. Let that shit sink in for a minute.

Are there any scenarios where that group is a final six and people are disappointed with this season? There are not. Another option for that alliance might be Tyson, who isn’t technically a mom but also seems like he’d be a very cool mom. He has Big Mom Energy.

You think this can’t happen? You think these moms might not be willing to form a Sexy Voltron and dominate this game? Let’s see what Amber has to say about that:

Mariano: My align would be…Kim…we have a lot in common. We have kids around the same age. I think she’s not too too much younger than me.
Holmes: Kids in rapid succession too.
Mariano: Yeah.
Holmes: You guys don’t mess around.
Mariano: (Laughs) Right. And she looks amazing.

First of all,

Secondly, FUCK YES QUEENS LET’S DO THIS! Give the people what they want! Give us Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin wearing a tiara at the live reunion like a boss!

What, you’re worried she won’t be able to outwit Amber’s Husband With the Little B Hat? Please.

You think she can’t make this cast of legends look like clowns just like she toyed with those fools on One World? You dare to fucking doubt her skills?

Yes, these players all know her game. Yes, they know she’s playing them. And yes, they know she’s a threat. None of that matters.

Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin is here, and you will bow down.